Professor McGregor, we need to talk.
It’s recently come to my attention that I like you. A lot. In my standard dating life, I struggle to get past the initial attraction phase. Something will happen – an untimely burp, the revelation of a whack-a-doodle political opinion, the donning of a pirate costume – that clicks the emotional lever in my brain from He’s so dreamy! to Please don’t kiss me. Ever. It’s quick and irreversible, like I have a wee guillotine in my heart, where other people have sunshine and rainbows.
And yet…here we are. It’s been two months, neither of which was really-just-an-extended-weekend February. We’ve been to concerts, eaten lots of Mexican food, and spent an inordinate amount of time making out on your couch. By all rights, I should be less excited about everything now. Kissing you should be old hat. Instead, I’m somehow more thrilled with your every glance. For example: last Sunday night when you kissed the top of my head during that movie we both didn’t like? I almost swooned. From a head peck! My dear professor, you have done a number on me.
This – surprise! – completely freaks me out. I’m suddenly way too attached to my iPhone and have caught myself daydreaming at inopportune moments. Worse, I’ve also crossed over into that magical place called The Land of Emotional Vulnerability and Increased Potential For Heartbreak. Professor darling, I do not enjoy this place. This is not somewhere I want to spend an extended holiday! Here there be dragons and bears and self-doubt.
This is exactly why I’ve never understood serial monogamists. How do people stand doing this over and over again? It’s like having your heart pounced upon by wolf cubs, torn to shreds, then promptly volunteering to adopt a baby lion. Surely it would be safer to stay away from beclawed creatures for a time, right?! As you well know by now, I am a danger-avoiding soul. I do not jump from cliffs into murky water or taste cookie batter. So, even though I’ve never been attacked by baby lions before, those micro-claws still make me nervous. Biology dictates they won’t stay small and cute forever! Eventually they will be killing machines! Do not purchase baby lions!
Oh, crap. My analogy has jumped the shark a bit, it seems. Moral of the story: all of this scares me to death. Anything could happen, Professor. You could decide to become a monk or I could get an offer to move to Djibouti. I’ve passed the point where a pint of Ben & Jerry’s and a weekend of moping will make those things okay. If this goes sour, I’m going to be really, legitimately, end-of-Atonement-style-sobbing upset. That’s terrifying. However, even worse would be not seeing this thing through.
So, here it goes: I really like you and that’s okay. I’ll try not to be such a coward, if you promise not to sic tiny lions on my heart.
– Grace
A Confederacy of Spinsters 
I love all your posts, but this one is just so sweet and special it deserves a crown! I do hope you and Professor read it one day together and laugh about all those things you felt at the beginning. I got butterflies in my stomach just by reading it. I don’t have much experience in dating, but this is certainly the best phase – enjoy it!
Romance favors the bold! Congratulations on finding someone you want to risk jumping the shark with!
Fortune favours the bold, eh?
I wish all the best for you and your Professor. Seriously. It can only be a good thing that 2 months in you’re still getting the butterflies and the squees and all the goodness.
Enjoy it! And be brave 🙂
Hey, there,
I am not sure if this is going to help ease your anxiety, but still:
1. A friend of mine once told me, back when I was considering whether I liked a guy enough to try and have a relationship with him (just for your information, I am probably even more afraid of something like that than you are, for a variety of reasons), that during the first three months of getting to know a person you are attracted to, your judgement is somewhat impaired by feeling smitten with said someone. This is so by reason of biology, I fear: Every person has their individual scent, and if you happen to be attracted to a person, it is, at least in part, influenced by the fact that their scent matches some “ideal” in your brain – and it takes three months for the effect to wear off and for you to get used to it. So, for three months, you may legitimately feel smitten with a person – one more month to go for you. 😉 If you still feel in love with the guy afterwards, then you can be pretty sure (even more sure than before, for of course this is not the only criterion) that this might be a lasting effect. 😀
2. About heartbreak – I dare say baby wolfs are probably a good comparison. And yes, they grow the more you get attached to a person. I tried it once (see above) and decided that I am going to avoid going through it again if at all possible. That’s not encouraging, yes – however, here’s the good part: It may take you a month or two, but you get through it – the cuts heal, you survive, and afterwards find that even though it didn’t turn out the way you wanted to, that might actually be a good thing. You’ve learned more about yourself and other people in the process, you know better now what you want – and what you do not want – for yourself and for others, and gain some clarity in your life. So, all in all, even though it might hurt if it goes wrong, it’s still a good thing – and fear should never be a reason for not trying. That’s not really a fun way to live life…
So, after spouting all this “wisdom” ;-), I wish you the best of luck and hope that this will end happily for you, one way or another.
Until next time,
mylady phoenix
Such a sweet post. And I wished you would not struggle with this so much (although it makes for some lovely blog posts).
Not sure this helps but I have decided a long time ago (and not even consciously if I remember correctly) that this feeling, these butterflies, are well worth dealing with the baby lions. After all, I’d rather be able to feel real bliss in return for having to endure some heartbreak at times than to never ever experience these elating sensations. That’s what live is all about for me.
Anyway, good luck with your professor, everyone deserves some happiness!
Grace, Darling! You’re heading towards “in love!” Hurray for you! I personally think he sounds divine, even without any sugar on hand (it’s actually rather bad for you, you know). Scary yes, but hasn’t this also been easy and natural between you two? From everything I’ve read thus far you two just have a lovely, easy relationship with a great deal in common and are obviously physically attracted to one another. That, my dear is the perfect recipe for actual love. I am actually one of those serial monogamists of whom you write. Thing is, I believe in love. Yes, I’ve had my heart broken, yes it’s truly dreadful, but the joy I received and gave in the majority of my past relationships was well worth it. My current beau and I started in a similar manner to you and your professor – we just clicked. After two years we are now talking marriage and I couldn’t be happier. I look forward to reading more about the blossoming of your own relationship.
i liked your post.. so honest and heartfelt. I understand your fear, the uncertainty and anxiety. ouch! those feelings really throw me off balance, and when your off balance you dont see the situation clearly. try to do things that balance you no matter what, gratittude lists and deep breaths. God it is other worldy to swoon like that about a man, when we feel so delicate and vunrable, and anticipating the next date.. enjoy!
You expressed your feelings beautifully with this funny spunky bite that I love. Have you shown this post to Professor McGregor?
Good luck with it
This is so me too! Scary!!
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