The Danger of Mummification & Other Marriage Perks

d1eb1177c2b3d3a71f15d30d944b782aThis morning, I did my usual “What’s going on in the world?” perusal of the internet. CNN, Jezebel, and BlogLovin all received their due attention, before I stumbled across a story that turned my arm hair white. A woman in a Detroit suburb was found mummified in the back of her car, after having been dead for six years.

These were, in order, my reactions:

  1. Egads! (Horror.)
  2. Eww! (Think of the smell! Unless there wasn’t a smell, because she was so desiccated. Does a mummy smell like anything other than dust? I need to reread the Amelia Peabody series stat.)
  3. How!? (All of her bills were auto-drafted and she traveled a lot, so her neighbors thought she was just a globe-hopping introvert. Until, of course, some hapless roof repairman sent by the bank that eventually took over her mortgage was directed to check out the house…and he discovered her mummy.)
  4. Oh plummy tartlettes, this could happen to me! I autopay my bills, too! (Modern woes.)
  5. Wait, no. I have the Professor. Surely, he would notice if I were a corpsicle, before I started imitating Queen Hatshepsut in the back of my Volvo. He would totally miss my sparkling observations on Logan vs. Piz and all the pies I bake. There is minimal chance of me becoming a vehicular mummy. Β MARRIAGE IS THE GREATEST.

Yesterday, a dear friend of mine asked how married life was. My answer was “It’s awesome. Exactly the same as living-in-sin life!”, however, that’s not quite true. Being married to Professor McGregor means rarely having to worry about becoming a forgotten desiccated corpse. It’s still possible, but the Grace train would have to really go off the rails.

There are other things that are way better, too. The man knows me so well that, each and every morning, he pries me out of bed with a perfectly made cup of coffee. If that doesn’t sound extraordinary to you, then you never did a stint slinging lattes in college. In order for me to properly enjoy home-brewed coffee, my milk (1/3 of the cup’s worth) must be microwaved for precisely thirty-eight seconds, then one Splenda and the tiniest drop of vanilla are added, before finally pouring the coffee into the damned cup. Otherwise, it will taste weird and be lukewarm and my whole day will collapse around me. For the first part of our relationship, I wisely insisted on attending to my own cup of Joe, so as not to appear like the pretentious maniac I am. Now, Professor McGregor does it for me. Happily. At his own suggestion. With organic fair trade espresso beans that I have delivered from Austin once a month, instead of the economical and perfectly fine grocery store stuff he drank before.

Also, not to give y’all too much information, but the marriage bed is awesome. Maybe it’s because we don’t have kids and neither one of us burned up the hook-up trail, but having a partner who knows what you like and sleeps right next to you every night is bitchin’. The next time someone tells me they don’t believe in marriage, because it squashes personal freedom, I’m just going to tell them about all the bedsport that comes with it. That’s right, it’s so good, I’m calling it bedsport. The only things worth raving about are worth doing so in archaic Regency slang.

My official review on marriage: two thumbs up. What’s better than perfect coffee, great sex with your beloved, and probably not becoming a car mummy? Nothing.

– Grace

61 thoughts on “The Danger of Mummification & Other Marriage Perks

  1. The best part for me was knowing that a simple argument was not going to end our relationship. Now that we are married, we have to figure it out. There is no escaping to our individual residences and contemplating ending the relationship. I feel much more secure now than I ever have before.

    • That is such a good point, Jessica! For me, that security came when we started talking marriage initially. He was in, I was in, and the simple joy of that commitment really shocked me. It still takes some getting used to actually, that assurance that I have a partner on this adventure. Just amazing.

  2. But Grace, I should think you’d be prevented from mummifucatiin even if living-in-sin. Personally, I like the tax breaks aspect of marriage … among all the other things.

    And I love you for loving Veronica Mars. I’m so stupidly excited about the film releasing … keep counting the days down. Would you write down your sparkling observations on Logan Vs. Piz please?

    And Regency slang is perfectly corking!

    • That is true! I suppose with living-in-sin though, there’s no legal obligation that he must see to my welfare or anything. The security of “people will look at you sideways, if I end up mummified” is oddly reassuring. πŸ˜‰

      Also, I’m so tempted to blog about this. I might still. But I very strongly feel that, if Veronica were my friend in real life, all of our other friends would tell her to choose Piz and I would be that one holdout for Logan. I recognize that he is unstable and lacking a traditional moral compass, but he would also do anything for her, and really did become a better person because of his love for her. The difference between Episode 1 Logan and Series Finale Logan is staggering, once you step back. The kind of passion that fundamentally changes your partner for the better would be hard to step away from and, quite frankly, isn’t something that comes around for everyone. I am forever a member of Team Logan! The professor, meanwhile, is Team Veronica. He just wants her happiness, which is pretty cute of him, if I do say so myself.

    • After a year of marriage, I just discovered I will be losing thousands this year by no longer being eligible for the earned income credit. I must find out about these tax breaks you speak of! Also, great post btw!

  3. I’m prepared for the reality that my corpse will be moldering in my condo for a good week or more before anyone (family, whoever) wonders why I’m not texting or calling or updating Facebook.

    Wait – I work, so the boss might wonder aloud if I was taking vacation. Then there’d be a lot of “I don’t know, you tell ME” dialogue before somebody decides to call me. Only one coworker knows where I live, so… But I digress. Bottom line: I’ll be alone when I die. This isn’t a lamentation, but a declaration. Marriage really would not be good for me. But this blog is fun, so I’m still keeping abreast of it. Was “abreast” a pun? You decide. If it was, then… uh, it was totally intended.

    • Herdthinner, I’m glad you’re keeping abreast of us, even though our blog has changed direction in the past year. I’ve really wrestled with this quite a bit, actually. A big reason we started this blog was to talk about dating woes, but it evolved into a dissection of our generation and selves, instead. It also, I suppose, evolved into a mostly Grace thing, where I spill my guys wildly about what’s happening in my life. I’m thankful that you’ve stuck around, despite how that life and focus has changed. There are a lot of blogs I’ve decamped from, when it became focused on babies or something else I couldn’t relate to. I am all too sure there are people who have done the same with this one. Thank you for sticking around.

      In other news, we could institute a weekly email checkup on you, so that you don’t become completely mummified. Personal, valid decisions about life shouldn’t automatically lend our deaths to Weird of the News status. πŸ˜‰

      • Maybe I should get a Life Alert?

        I’ve experienced “Follow Regret” before, but so far, only for those blogs where the author is posting CONSTANTLY and drowning my reader list. Then there are the folks that follow me, and I check their sites to find that they must be commercial sites, based on the content. “Spam Follows!” (WP filters spam comments, but not spam follows. Ah, well.)

        My blog started as only chapters of a fictional book, but because I’m working on another project at the moment, I’ve been posting in spurts and as Navel Gazes, aka “contemplation.” I expect the fictional stuff to return next month.

  4. Thinking about dead bodies, I’m pretty sure This American Life did an episode once about a guy who runs a cleaning company specifically dedicated to removing the mess associated with undiscovered corpses. It was a darkly funny, disturbing episode, as I recall. And completely riveting, because that’s TAL for you.

      • Hi, having a good old laugh at some of the posts and replies..fantastic to hear so many having fun in their marriages…keep it that way never lose the laugh!

        On the morbid note of cleaning up the mess after death, you might want to catch the comedy (yes comedic film on corpse clean ups! Sunshine Cleaning (2008). Bit of a hoot.

        Keep on keeping on!

  5. Bahaha! I love that you categorize your marriage bed as bitchin’! Cracks me up. Reminds me of a friend of mine saying that she and her hubby “f*** like champions” which I also thought was hilarious. Congrats on the great start to marriage!

  6. I do have to say that when I miss my ex-husband, one of the things that I miss the most is HIM going to make the coffee, and bringing it back to bed. Also having a built-in DD. I’m glad that you won’t wind up as a mummy!

    • Having a built in DD is priceless! Most of my friends think I’m joking about the value I place on that coffee making, but it’s deadly serious. Mornings suck, but having someone make them a little less painful is lovely.

  7. Ooh I saw a doc on netflix about a woman in London who was very popular, had a job, family, lots of friends, but still was left for years dead in her flat. It was fascinating and really made me want to put down roots and have an established community. Glad to hear marriage is amazing – you can’t let him travel too much for work or the mummification risk still applies. πŸ˜‰

    • That is absolutely terrifying! Also, I’m going to go look up that documentary immediately. How did that even happen? Egads. Luckily for me, the dear professor rarely travels for work! I’m still good on the mummy front, thank heavens! πŸ˜‰

  8. My favorite part of marriage has been learning my husband’s personal language as he learns mine, not just the spoken but the body language too. In a way, having so close an understanding makes him an extension of myself and if something’s bothering me, no matter how private, I can share it with him. I love that.
    Also I don’t drink coffee but I do love pie and he’s prone to surprising me with small pies from time to time. Pies he made with his money at the grocery store, but hey – pie.
    I’ll have to add not becoming a car mummy to the list, however πŸ˜‰

  9. Hey gal trio, just came across your blog and I think it’s TEXAS BIG! What fun you ladies are having. It’s not easy being both insightful and humorous at the same time, but you ladies have managed a tummy-ticklin’ taco.
    new blogger and ‘still enjoying her marriage’ lady who refers to her husband when blogging about him as – the giant husband (and yes, he is large!)

  10. “Modern woes”… lol. Hilarious (you… not the poor mummified woman). This is quite an odd happening. Sounds like a lovely partnership you have, by the way. I hope my future mister doesn’t mind finicking with the espresso machine & mastering the skill of steaming almond/coconut milk (lactose intolerant… lol.). (:

    ❀ Carsla
    Founder & CEO of Connect-the-Cloths
    A stylist, foodie, & writer's blog in development.

  11. Thank you! This gives me a fresh perspective on my own marriage. I don’t get the latte though, so it ain’t perfect. Maybe I’ll go with one thumb.

  12. I’ll remember the “at least I won’t be a mummy” thing as a marriage pro as I pick up husband’s discarded socks and wet towels from around the house. He makes an awful cup of tea/coffee also so I don’t even have that, at best, mediocre in bed, so it’s important that I collect a few pros!! Thanks for that.

  13. I can definitely relate especially as I am also in the habit of waking up early each morning bleary eyed to make coffee for my better half. While I would like to prattle on about how it’s all for her benefit, and how selfless I am, I must admit I don’t function without coffee either, so perhaps a part of love is sharing each others addictions πŸ™‚

  14. After 10 years of marriage I am divorced for about as long. I am truly enjoying the “free life” without regrets. But I have to admit, that waking up in the morning knowing that the one I spent the night with is also equally capable and willing to make the perfect coffee for me, is something I am not used to. I agree, marriage has it’s benefits, mostly in the small things imo.

  15. I am a recently married plummy tartlette πŸ™‚ While trying to sell and also buy new apartment in NYC real estate market is encroaching on our marital bliss somewhat, I’d like to join the fan club. I know so many marrieds who lost it all when they had kids (sssshhhh, they told me so, themselves) that we’re going to keep things as they are for now, just to be on the safe side πŸ˜€

  16. Marriage is full of benefits. One that I enjoy is that, as my husband is a Thai citizen, I have a much easier time residing in the country. When I was single, the hassles of getting a visa and work permit caused nightmares. My biggest fear isn’t that I’ll turn into a mummy, but that something will happen to him and I’ll have to go back to waiting in line at immigration (although my son is also a Thai citizen, so I could take advantage of that if I needed to).

    And yes, the rest of marriage is great also.

  17. People kept asking me what being married was like and I just had to say “exactly like before, but better” without being able to describe it better. It’s something to do with knowing they’ll always be with you even if you screw up or are a bitch for a day.

    And yes, those who try and say single life is better, don’t know how amazing it is to have someone who knows all your flaws and loves you anywya; knows exactly what you like during bedsports (hehe), etc. And that going home to bed rather than staying out partying is just BETTER. I can’t imagine going through all that stress of early relationships again!

  18. Good writing. The mummy reference along with the coffee, commendable. Married life does have its positives, but no matter how you try to balance the equation…kids will unbalance it…lol.

  19. I love, love, frickin’ LOVE this! I get so tired of all the stuff you read about marriage being this and that. that it’s no fun and that it’s just a lifetime of putting up with stuff that would usually send you packing! Sleeping in the same bed as your best bud for ever? Revealing all the little habits that your family unconditionally accept but that your partner not only accepts but also adores and totally goes along with? That sounds like the business to me! I’ve been engaged for a little over a year and I CAN’T WAIT to get married! So happy to read something so refreshing!

  20. Being married will prevent me from becoming a mummy? Huzzah! On the other hand, it’ll likely mean my death won’t make national, stomach-churning headlines. Valid points on all sides.
    Great post!

  21. Definitely a refreshing post! A much better outlook than is usually given in pop culture (with the whole getting married is the ‘end’ business). Glad to hear that there are still some romantics out there! Also, not being a car-mummy is a legit plus. (note to self: remember to mention that in future marriage vows).

    -Awkward Girl

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