God Save The Tights

5e4d92dbb4becb0aafd60aed8cceeddcI am, officially, an old.

There are no prunes on my plate or gray hairs sprouting, weed-like, from my chin, but the slow march toward Branson, Missouri doom has begun. Friends, I am a wizened, twenty-eight year-old crone. You see, I don’t understand kids these days

Why, for the love of Gloria Steinem, have girls stopped wearing tights? This year, the entirety of the US has been plunged into a dark, icy winter, as anyone with a working television set knows. It has snowed no less than six times on our house, despite living in the normally temperate South. My dog refuses to go outside by himself, for fear of the white flakes of death attacking from above.  It’s fucking cold. And yet, bare legs are roaming the streets and frolicking on college campuses.

This phenomenon became apparent last weekend, when Professor McGregor and I popped out for Italian food. The temperature was below freezing, the wind chill was positively Arctic, and I was bundled up in an appropriate manner: tights, wool skirt, boots, cashmere sweater, wool coat, scarf, and gloves. Like any good southerner, I’d piled on every warm thing I own at one time. We may not own puffer coats, but we do know how to layer! So, imagine my shock, when a gaggle of sorority girls breezed into the restaurant ahead of us, each more scantily clad than the last. They were, to a one, wearing baby doll dresses and heels. Sure, they had coats on, but miles and miles of unnaturally tanned, toned legs were exposed to the chill.

Lf6d2bfd0ffbb8e53625f0c738c3d4526ady friends, I am confused. You know that looking hot doesn’t literally translate to body temperature, right? Just because your feet feel like they’re on fire from those six-inch wedges, doesn’t mean they won’t get frostbitten. Yet, despite your sartorial oversight, you seem like intelligent, thoughtful people. Not a one of you is visibly smoking meth or wearing a Creed t-shirt. Surely, you know how weather works. So, I can only assume one thing: you’ve been blinded by sexy.

This happens a lot. As women, we’re taught from wee girlhood to be ever-conscious of our appearance. Out for brunch with the girls, you’re casually elegant. At the workplace, you’re buttoned-up, but still feminine. And out for a night on the town, you must always, always be sexy. However will anyone know that you’re having fun, if you’re not showing furlongs of skin? No matter that it’s fifteen degrees and sleeting. The male gaze must be appeased! We will freeze, before covering dat ass!

Or not. Dudettes, you can still be sexy in tights. There is literally nothing about donning tights that says “I am a schoolmarm,” unless they’re burgandy and made from your own hand-wound alpaca yarn. Stockings are, historically, hella sexy. Just ask the cast of Cabaret! Your cute date will still want to kiss you, if you’ve accessorized with a statement necklace and blue tights. Even better, you won’t be too numb from the cold to feel his lips on yours. Everybody (who wants to make out) wins! Why, think of all the fun he’ll have peeling those layers off of you.

When it’s springtime again, feel free to go barelegged, but you’re not fooling anybody in the Polar Vortex. We know you’re cold. We are also cold. In fact, I’m five times colder just looking at you and shaking my head in sympathy. Think of your toes, darling! Not only will you still look sexy in tights, but the danger of those piggies turning black and falling off is severely curtailed. Which is good. If you think tights aren’t sexy, try mid-date amputation.


19 thoughts on “God Save The Tights

  1. I get chills just looking at some of the things girls wear! Luckily our Winters in Australia (Brisbane) aren’t too unbearable but I often see girls and want to throw a blanket over them.

    Although I don’t know if it’s worse when they wear tights as pants…

    • For the love of… when will people stop wearing tights as pants?! I see it daily, in a conservative office setting. Their cheeks… I don’t want to know every contour of them!

  2. Pingback: God Save The Tights | The feminist housewife

  3. Thankfully this trend hasn’t reached the UK yet. I don’t think. Though i do wonder how girls, who wear ballet pumps in winter without socks, don’t die from frost bite on their feet. HOW?!

  4. I hear you! Have you ever been to the north of England? It doesn’t matter what the weather’s like or what time of year it is, when people go out at night they dress like they’re in the Caribbean. It was about 2 degrees Celsius at the weekend and had been rainy and windy the whole day and I lost count of how many people I saw in mini skirts/dresses/jumpsuits and not even the flimsiest of jackets to cover up.
    As a Scandinavian I was brought up with the saying “there is no bad weather, only poor clothing” and as such stand out in my thick tights, proper shoes, gloves, scarf and coat on my way to the bar.

  5. I live in Canada. The nearly most temperate part of it, to be fair, but still. And this past week, saw some dumb *rhymes with “schmuck”* walking down the street in a Tshirt and jeans, with his arms pulled into his tshirt and holding the collar up over his mouth and nose. I’m assuming he wasn’t blinded by sexy (more likely, he was dazzled by ‘manly’, though I’ve gotta say – not the most attractive look for a guy). We’ve had a few warmish days (snow melting!) in the past month, but that day was a leggings+pants day for me.

    Love the Scandinavian saying from Siri’s comment, so true!

  6. I was sadly one of those misinformed ladies in high school, but in my defense I did grow up in the south. But it did not take me long to realize that tights were a gift to be used. I like my bits without frostbite, please and thank you!

  7. Ahahahaha! I came across this and, what a great laugh! Particularly since I am from Minne-snow-da and we have been setting the record here for continuous length of time below ZERO (which has recently ended). Thoroughly enjoy the last line! Maybe for the sake of their health you could pose that question to them? * I am totally with you and Daile about wearing tights as pants. What the heck? Might as well just paint our bare legs and, ah, posterior, and call it good. Well, I suppose that might be a bit more messy. Anyway. Thank you for the laugh. **mid-date amputation…still laughing**

  8. Reblogged this on c21stguinevere and commented:
    “We will freeze, before covering dat ass!” I haven’t enjoyed reading so much in my life! How true are these words and I am a twenty one year old. A majority of people would probably think me a prune but if it you live in London, UK and you know what the weather is like here I sure as hell ain’t walking around in a fecking min skirt with my arse cheeks hanging out! Lord knows they are in dire need of some squat exercises!

  9. In Arizona, my fellow classmates also lacked weather awareness. But on the opposite side of the spectrum. Fall would come around, which meant the weather would drop to 100 degrees instead of 115. And all the girls on campus would start talking excitedly about boot and sweater season. They couldn’t, of course, actually wear warm clothes in the still-very-summery weather, so they would throw on a mini skirt and some Ugg boots and pretend it was fall. I suppose that discernment gap doesn’t lead to amputation though. And who am I to judge? I was the girl who couldn’t be bothered enough to wear anything that wasn’t white and a t-shirt.

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