The Best Worst Honeymoon Ever

1282199049757270I don’t know when the epiphany came—whether during my third night of uncontrollable sobbing or the hundred year flood—but it was clear and true: Professor McGregor and I had the worst honeymoon ever. I would like to say it was all my fault, but no matter how hard I try, I’ve yet to control the weather or checked baggage or broken toilet seats. The sobbing, though, was definitely all me.

Darlings, there is a reason people fantasize about beach honeymoons. They’re easy! Hop on a plane, get picked up by a resort shuttle, then happily sip neon drinks under an umbrella for seven days. It’s a good recipe. Unless, of course, you’re the type who poo-poos this whole fancy umbrella thing in favor of exploration and the ever-present excitement of “Will there be bedbugs in this hotel room?” Spoiler alert: the professor and I are the latter type. Instead of a nice, relaxing trip to a warm beach, we went to Ireland. In the middle of winter. Without hats.

To be fair, Dublin was utterly lovely for the first week. The sun was shining. it softly rained a handful of times, and the people were doggedly friendly. Unfortunately, I spent that week 100% convinced that I would drop dead on the cobblestones at any moment. Omnipresent fear of your Untimely Doom does put a damper on romantic strolls, kittens. Our second day in Ireland, I was hit by these odd lightheaded spells, accompanied by nausea and fatigue. Then it happened again on the third day, then the fourth, and so on. Luckily, I had enough medical knowledge to know what was up: I was experiencing symptoms of DVT—thanks to use of birth control—and a blood clot was going to travel to my lungs, turn into a pulmonary embolism and kill me dead. There were no other possibilities. (She said in a fearful, crazed tone to her beloved at 3 AM.)

On one hand, my legs weren’t achy or swollen and there were zero chest pains, but on the other…THESE THINGS CAN BE ASYMPTOMATIC. I WAS DEFINITELY GOING TO DIE ON MY HONEYMOON AND LEAVE A GRIEF-STRICKEN PROFESSOR BEHIND ALL BY HIMSELF. HE WOULD THEN, HAUNTED BY MY MEMORY, TURN INTO A BITTER, ANGRY WIDOWER WHO KICKED BABY ARMADILLOS AND NEVER TRAVELED OR FELT JOY AGAIN AND IT WAS ALL MY FAULT FOR BEING AFRAID OF BABIES! *SOB* By the time New Year’s Eve rolled around, and I’d been unable to sleep for three nights in a row for fear of my imminent corpsehood, Professor McG had the hotel find an open minor emergency clinic and shuttled me to a Dublin suburb to check things out. After all sorts of tests, I was pronounced completely fine, except for the prolonged lady dark times I’d also been experiencing. Exact prescription: “Rest and eat red meat. You’re probably vitamin-deficient from all the blood pouring from your uterus. Duh.”

images (1)By the time I felt better, it was our day to depart Dublin for the picturesque western coast. Galway, our destination, was famous for its seaside village shops and proximity to amazing natural wonders, like the Cliffs of Moher. We were going to experience real Ireland, by walking on bluffs and drinking tea in cutesy tea shops! It was going to be…awesome hit by a once-in-a-century winter storm! Yes, we arrived in Galway, just in time to be hit by Winter Storm Christine. Fun fact: when they name the weather system that’s about to hit you, the scenic cliffs turn into terrifying death traps. The cutesy tea shop I’d been stoked about? Flooded. The lovely seaside walk? Under water. The meandering stroll to city center from our hotel? Aided by 70 mph wind gusts and sideways hail. Adventures!

Even better, the “four star” hotel we were staying at made Motel 6 look posh. We arrived to a suspiciously stained comforter, broken-in-half toilet seat, and one of those king beds that is really just two twins, with a totally comfortable metal bar joining them together. Trip Advisor had let us down in a rather epic manner. Adventures!

Honestly, the list of travel disasters that hit us could be a mile long. Delta lost my baggage on the way back the States, Irish cashiers were utterly flummoxed by our chipless credit cards, and my umbrella was defenseless against winter storms. And yet…we had a blast.

shameless-honeymoon-movie-poster-9999-1010429406Through fear of my untimely demise and hurricane force breezes, Professor McGregor made me laugh and smile and fall in love with him all over again. He twice walked to the pharmacy to retrieve lady devices (tampons, yo), made sure I was always in reach of hot chocolate, and assured me over and over again that I had not ruined our honeymoon with my weird illness. And you know what? He was right. We had so much fun! It turns out that Irish food is really good, we both look fetching in wool hats, and getting away together was a much needed respite…even with all the crying. Plus, my beloved left with a new favorite whiskey and I with intimate knowledge of the Irish medical system.

So, perhaps I should revise: Professor McGregor and I had the best worst honeymoon ever. 


P.S. Thank you all so much for your good wishes and congratulations on my last post! The wedding went off without a hitch – lovely weather, lovely food, and lovely conversation. Just like we wanted.


19 thoughts on “The Best Worst Honeymoon Ever

  1. Beautiful description of the realities in life circumstances. Lovely to see it turned out well and your bright spirit with delightful humor shall continue on! 😉 best, christine

  2. Well as sorry as I am for a non-Pinterest honeymoon, you made me laugh 🙂 I apologise both for my homeland (OK, so I’m Scottish but that’s close enough) and also for TripAdvisor (my employer! Eek!) but it sounds like it was a BONDING experience, which is probably just the ticket. I pretty much only go home in the middle of winter, which has led me to believe that it’s always a dark, wintery cold mess, but I’m told that’s not *always* the case.

    Also, this gives you a TOTALLY LEGIT reason to go somewhere warm for your 1 year anniversary. I recommend Bermuda: lots of history and interesting things to do, as well as being a tropical island. Good for we “type 2” people.
    p.s. I miss your dresses

  3. Cupan Tae flooded?!?! I’m glad I read to the end and heard you still enjoyed it… I lived in Galway for a year and miss it dearly… Choosing Ireland for a honeymoon in winter is totally something I would do.

  4. Congrats on being married, even if your honeymoon was pretty horrible. 🙂 That’s the great thing about husbands; they have a way of making sucky situations a little less sucky because they are there and trying to make you laugh when you are sobbing and hiccuping in a most unladylike way. We got stranded in an airport and they lost our luggage for two days, but Ryan still made me calmer than I would have been otherwise.

    But, I’d definitely suggest trying Ireland again…only in like May or June. It can be amazing, and hopefully, you won’t be near death’s door like before. Go to Northern Ireland though; the Giant’s Causeway will rock your socks. We could see Scotland faintly in the distance. *swoons*

  5. Congratulations to both you and the Professor on your nuptials!

    The side of the pond has had a heck of a time recently, and still does. It’s fantastic to hear you still managed to enjoy your honeymoon, nonetheless. And that you have such an awesome man in your life that he will go out and buy you tampons. More men need to see the virtue in that 😉

  6. Haha I don’t know many people who would come to Ireland for their honeymoon you were certainly in for a cold and ehh rustic adventure here alright! I suppose if it was drink and craic you were after you came to the right place and the West is actually really nice when we aren’t experiencing an end of the world level storm! Actually the Cliffs of Moher are one of the most popular places for Irish people to get engaged…that and on Dublin Bus 😉 Congratulations I’m sure you met some characters over here 🙂

  7. Hopefully this doesn’t deter you from visiting Ireland again. It’s really quite beautiful and yes, it helps that the Irish are incredibly friendly and feed you like it was your last meal . .EVER.

  8. Grace! Congratulations! You finally got yourself all married off. I hope the wedding went well for you. And yes, pretty much one of the only times I have cried infront of my husband was on our honeymoon, too. I had a bit of a melt down. Post-wedding stress, I say! Now your blog might have to change it’s name slightly… a confederacy of…. almost spinsters?

  9. congratulations!!! :)))) you should have asked us (people that actually live in Ireland full time :p) BEFORE planning honeymoon
    at least I would give you the best CHECKED PERSONALLY hotels or B&Bs adresses!
    glad it turned out all right anyway 😀
    have a wonderful 2014!!!!!

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