Cleanse This: Wedding Preparations Gone Mad

il_570xN.326980696In three days, Professor McGregor and I are getting married.

MARRIED.

There are a lot of moving parts involved in such a happening. So far this week, I’ve spray painted four dozen wooden snowflakes, made our seating chart, remade our seating chart when it turns out we had the wrong kind of tables, cut out a million tiny triangles for bunting, and seriously considered showing up in pajamas for the ceremony, so that I didn’t have to get my dress steamed.

Just to make sure I’m not forgetting anything important, I took to the internet. “Google,” I asked the great god of aimless questions, “What should I be doing the week before my wedding?” It turns out, the answer is: a lot of shit. There are checklists to be checked and eighty people to contact. There are, also, a lot of widely suggested things that I think are ridiculous.

  1. Getting a Facial – Take away my womanhood card, if you must, but I am not going to have my face tortured by some sadistic stranger wielding an extractor, just to have “a bridal glow.” They make make-up precisely so I don’t have to naturally exude a glow. This isn’t Twilight, I don’t need to sparkle!
  2. Starting an Exfoliation Routine – In order to walk down the aisle, my whole body is apparently supposed to be as smooth as a baby’s bottom. And yet I currently have no plans to remove the top layer of my skin, in order to achieve that. Lotion will have to do.
  3. Scheduling a Bikini Wax – Everyone on the internet is in agreement with this one thing: In order to have a good wedding night, you can’t have any extra hair down there. It’s just not womanly! Except, oh wait, it’s the natural state of a woman’s body. Pardon me, if I don’t immediately have it all yanked out with hot wax.
  4. Avoiding Excessive Caffeine – If someone tells you she’s sleeping normally the week before her wedding, do not believe her. If coffee didn’t exist, I would have had a mental breakdown right now. I give zero fucks if it makes me retain water, there will be caffeine.
  5. Getting a Spray Tan – It’s the middle of winter, why exactly must we pretend that I’m a naturally a toasted almond color? Pale blonde girl has always been a good look for me. I shall not trade it in for skin the color of carrots! 
  6. A Juice Cleanse – Go through the hell that has been this week without real food? Ha! Someone go get me a cheeseburger.
  7. A Colon Cleanse – Nope. Just nope. Google, I think it’s time you saw a psychiatrist, in order to deal with all these delusions you’re having.

– Grace

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26 thoughts on “Cleanse This: Wedding Preparations Gone Mad

  1. Ha! Sometimes I like to approach these ridiculous lists with the following question in mind: “Would I do all this if I were getting ready for a non-wedding party?” If the answer is no, then hells to the no am I going to do it for my wedding. Out-of-control wedding stuff is just that – out of control. Bridalplasty? Not if I wasn’t already planning a nose job!

  2. You totally made me LOL… I havent even CONSIDERED weddings but I’m sure that when/if I do I’ve GOT to stop by here and get my senses straight… 🙂
    Thanks for the level headed tips and well said my friend, well said.

  3. And what exactly is a colon cleanse going to achieve? That you not enter this new phase of your life with excess… ummm… weight? That your bottom smells like your flower bouquet?

    What about manicure and pedicure? For bride AND groom, of course. I think these lists focus entirely too little on the male part of the equation. Bikini wax, hah!

  4. I just gave the lady bits a nice trim, and the hubby didn’t care a bit. I chickened out of a spray tan due to past experiences gone wrong and I wasn’t a ghost. And I absolutely didn’t do the juice fast or colon cleanse because that is just crazy talk, though the day before through the wedding day I couldn’t seem to eat much of anything. Nerves, I guess.

    And you know what? Everything was just fine. Enjoy your big day, Grace, and congrats!

  5. For my wedding, the only thing I did was the facial thing but I did it myself with some stuff I bought months ago and used it once a week. Everything else is just a bunch of crock. Your day will be wonderful and you will really enjoy yourself cause its about you and your man and nothing else matters 🙂

  6. People go crazy when it comes time for weddings. I’m glad you’re keeping a level head about it, and avoiding the urge to modify yourself beyond recognition before walking down the aisle. Your groom will appreciate you walking towards him as yourself far more than some stranger whose oompa loompa skin gleams with internal sparkle, while her eyes are dull with exhaustion and starvation 😛
    happy wedding!

  7. “I give zero fucks if it makes me retain water, there will be caffeine.” Oh I thank you from the bottom of my unwaxed heart for this!!!! You totally made me laugh. I hope your marriage thus far is fun and happy and goes on and on in a non combative way! Congratulations.

  8. Hahaha brilliant post and congratulations! I couldn’t agree more. I got married last year and friends were horrified that we didn’t consummate for four days due to the fact we were both still drunk/ hungover/ on a massive party come down for days afterwards! It’s listening to the other people and the “should dos” that gets you stressed! Hope you had a lovely day.

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