The Apathetic Bride Weeps Over Mini-Quiche

001Last week, I had a meltdown. One minute I was calmly sitting in my office chair, returning e-mails, then the next I was sobbing like a fourteen year-old Taylor Swift fan—loudly, accompanied by flails.

This crying jag was, of course, brought on by pancakes. It’s totally normal to have a prolonged breakdown over fluffy breakfast foods, right? RIGHT? Fine, I concede. It was crazy and I lost my damned mind. There is only one thing to blame: the wedding.

My impending nuptials to Professor McGregor are making me have heart palpitations. It’s not that I’m worried about things going well, or stressed over what sort of quiche to serve, it’s that I don’t want to think about any of it. These aren’t Bridezilla moments, these are apathetic bridal nightmares. Sending the catering costs to my father made my want to jump off a tall bridge. Reading the word “tablescape,” as if it is a real, important thing to be concerned over—like the Sudan or whether or not to cut my own bangs—has me reaching for the hemlock. I want to get married, not plan an event.

And yet…apart from chucking the whole thing and eloping to Vegas, there’s no way to avoid it. People want to know what your colors are and how it’s all going and whether or not they can bring a plus one. Everyone wants to talk about our wedding, but it’s the last thing I want to dwell on. Because if I were honest with people, they’d be horrified. My bridal concerns, the things that keep me up at night and create untold numbers of tears, make me sound like an evil, ungrateful scalawag.

Naturally, I’m going to share them with you.

Wedding Things That Make Grace Cry: A List

  1. People RSVP-ing Yes –  Too many people love us. Throwing a wedding, and all that entails, has turned me into a person who actively wishes for people to dislike her. The more people who RSVP yes to this shindig, the more money we spend and the more people will be there to watch it go down. When we were initially drafting a guest list, I was super smug about my methodology, having a list of invitees and a running total of likely yeses. People, it turns out, are totally unpredictable. Maiden aunts we’d never considered attending have already bought plane tickets. Family friends are changing vacation plans around our wedding day. People are saying yes and are so excited about participating, but all I feel is nauseated, then guilty about feeling nauseated. If I post a bigoted political rant on Facebook, will my college friends bail out, at least?
  2. Having Events About Us – Part of getting married is being a rare and sparkling jewel. As a bride, you get not only a day of marriage, but wedding showers and bachelorette parties and lots of people wanting to hear about your plans. This makes me super uncomfortable. Professor McGregor and I fell in love and decided to spend our lives together, we didn’t cure cancer or hike across Antarctica in swimsuits. I didn’t do anything to deserve such attention! I wish there was a societal program, which allowed you to decide which major life events deserved epic parties. I’d choose first book deal and perfect macaron baking every time!
  3. The Cost of Mini-Quiche – Each mini-quiche produced costs $2. Apparently, those little egg pies are made not just of eggs and cheese,but gold passed through the digestive track of a rare Australian water ostrich. I never wanted to know this, darlings, but now I do. I also know the exact price of peppermint sticks, rented champagne flutes, and maple syrup. All of these numbers, swirling around my mind in a budgetary conga line, make me want to hurl. There is a reason I didn’t go into finance. Money stresses me out; spending vast quantities of it on one day stresses me out even more. As someone having a relatively modest & simple wedding, it boggles my mind what more mainstream brides must feel. Congress, won’t you do something about the inflation of mini-quiche?

If you need me, I’m just going to be over there in that corner, curled into a ball. Any wails you may hear are probably me, not actually a dying, rabid bat. I’m told this is totally normal behavior for a bride. When you’re planning The Happiest Day Of Your Life Ever, Including Major Career Milestones and Birth of Spawn, “happy” tears are natural.

– Grace

12 thoughts on “The Apathetic Bride Weeps Over Mini-Quiche

  1. “If I post a bigoted political rant on Facebook, will my college friends bail out, at least?” LOLOLOL, that’s one way to use Facebook for the forces of good.

    Oh my gosh, I have to say, how small is the mini-quiche? Because if it’s like personal pan pizza size, I would say that’s a great deal. Maybe you could just get like five of them and whoever gets there first gets them. 🙂

    I can’t wait to see these wedding pictures. You are the best bride ever. : )

  2. Oh my word, I feel you on the guest list thing! My fiance and I are getting married next June. I’m not terribly close to most of my family, so I frankly wasn’t planning to invite anyone that I hadn’t, say, spoken to in the last five years.

    Then my fiance was like, We have to invite all of my relatives, even the ones I don’t like and who don’t like me, because if we don’t it will cause SERIOUS ISSUES. So we ended up with a guest list that HEAVILY favored his side of the family.

    This made me feel guilty and not a little jealous, so I ended up adding a lot more family members to the list. It’s still unbalanced because my family’s smaller than his, but it’s close. And the guest list is a third again bigger than what we were planning on.

    We were originally trying to keep under 80. Now we’re at 110 and hoping that a lot of people don’t come, since it’s a destination wedding as far as most people are concerned (our new city is a good 2,000-3,000 miles from most people). Do I feel bad? …Nope.

  3. I love helping my friends plan their weddings. I get so many ideas for them. The idea of planning my own makes me feel sick though, so I feel your pain 🙂 dig deep, chin up and get drunk lol

  4. Fingers crossed that a load of people drop out (only those you’re not so bothered about being there, mind) BUT not two days before which messes up the carefully planned seating plans and ends with big rants and tears whilst on the motorway heading to the wedding destination! (Yep, that’s what happened to me!) If they all turn up though, try not think about the stressy cost & instead on how awesome it will be to have all the lovely people in yours & Prof’s lives together at the same time! And then arrange a dance off 😉

    My best advice is that things can go wrong but as long as you and the Prof get down the aisle and get hitched, nothing else matters. Your guests will be happy to be there to celebrate with you rather than talking about the canapés and miniature food. Just go to Lidl (or the U.S. equivalent) and get some giant quiches there that can be sliced up and shared out, ha! 😉

    I did hate the planning of the wedding in the run up to it but the day was brilliant. Already been saying we want to renew vows – any excuse for dancing and a piss up! Sorry for the lengthiness, didn’t mean to spout a load of pap! xx

  5. I can totally relate to this! When I was planning my wedding over 3 years ago I felt the exact same way. I do not enjoy planning events!! It is stressful and weird in so many ways. I can tell you, however, that it will be worth it in the end, when you marry the love of your life!

  6. I started at the job I have now right after a coworker’s now-husband proposed to her. They got married this past August- I got to watch, over Facebook and in person, her entire planning process for a wedding of something like 200 people. No, thank you. I don’t want to plan that event. I almost lost my marbles last year when my rental dress for the USMC ball was delayed by a hurricane. One dress made me lose it. I can’t imagine a whole wedding everything.

  7. Aw I feel your pain! Really close to home. Every time my partner talks about the possibility of marriage, I panic about the mere IDEA of planning a wedding and the fuss it entails. Since I’ve had no official proposals just yet, I’ve managed to slide away from the subject politely but the idea of the costs, time and effort it would take does definitely daunt me.

    This was a really enjoyable read. I personally, (if a wedding is in my future) plan to run away for a weekend and have a tiny ceremony in private maybe in Scotland ha.

  8. Oh Grace, I remember this completely. I believe I broke down in Hobby Lobby over ribbon once and also threatened to make everyone sit on the floor and sing “Kumbaya” instead of trying to figure out seating arrangements.

    I am happy to report that I have sustained only minor mental trauma and a hatred for eyelet screws after a year and a half. I have faith in you.

  9. Oh, Grace. 😦 I went as tightarse, cheapskate as I could and my wedding (70 guests) cost about $3000. That included, might I add, my rings (engagement and wedding), hubby’s ring, wedding dress ($200 off the rack blue number), husbands shirts and pants (yes, shirts – he outgrew the first one and we had to buy a second one at the last minute. I was clever enough to choose a dress that stretched…), and the honeymoon! Not to mention feeding and watering the guests. The logic in having pre-lunch wedding was that people would have eaten breakfast and we didn’t have to feed them much prior to lunch, then they could all piss off home and have their lunch at home. I’d love to read a blog post about your actual wedding plans – is it dinner/cocktailparty/brunch etc? How many guests? What is your colour theme? (BWAHAHahah.. am I just being evil now?) etc.

    I’ve just been asked to be emcee at a friend’s wedding. Hubby and I are going to attend, and so far to even ATTEND a wedding it is costing us well over $1000 – one third of my entire wedding cost! I had to buy a new frock (yes, wardrobe meltdown preceeded this purchase) and shoes (another meltdown). Hubby had to buy something half decent. He already had the shirt (having just recently shrunk back into his original wedding shirt which still had tags on four years later), but we still needed to purchase pants, shoes, vest and tie… he said screw the jacket – it’s too hot in Brisbane. Then we had to purchase return flights, a rent a car, hotel accommodation, car parking for our car when we leave it at the airport, pay to put the pets into the kennel, and not to mention eating and drinking over the duration of the three day weekend we are taking. We are also taking days off work to attend so we are both losing out somewhat on our pay packets for the fortnight.

    This was all planned and then I was asked to be emcee. Lucky I have the gift of the gab! It was the groom who originally asked me and I said that I would have to prepare. He told me that all I have to do is say “this person is doing this now”.. and “that person is doing that now”.. but, having previously emceed a wedding I know there is more to it than that… so I’m have been liaising with the bride who has much more of an idea about it all. I am planning ice breakers, as the most boring part of a wedding, as I have discovered, is the bit where the bride and groom bugger off and get their photos taken and the guests are all left sitting/standing around, not knowing one another, being bored and hungry and waiting for the new husband and wife to arrive so the festivities can kick off. I’m really looking forward to it.

    I hope your wedding plans come together nicely for you. The stress will be worth it in the end.
    But $2 for a mini-quiche? Come off it! Can’t you just field the guests all out to graze on grass instead?

  10. This was me just a few months ago! I can relate to everything you wrote about. I actually wrote a few blogs too, well I should really call them rants, and it seem to help alleviate some of the stress. We also took a much needed camping trip just a few weeks before the wedding, and that helped A LOT too.

    As someone who has been married for just over a month now, I can say it gets better! Hang in there, our guest list grew to 150 people (we wanted a small wedding pffffff!), but as the big day approached, more and more guests were telling me they couldn’t make it. Why they waited till the very last minute to tell me, I’ll never understand… Some actually insisted on being invited, and then decided not to come! In the end we had about 100 guests and at least 30-40 extra cupcakes and chocolate wedding favors, luckily these were all edible and delicious.

    But when it was all said and done, we had the best day ever! The weather was perfect, nothing went extremely wrong (we did have issues with the music and flowers) and I didnt faint or throw up during the ceremony. Everyone kept telling me the day would go by very fast and it did!!!! So try to cherish and enjoy all of the little things and private moments you will share with your husband to be, family and close friends. Before you know it, the reception will be over, you and your hubby will be the only ones left and you will be famished. So have fun and eat as many mini quiche as possible, its only the first day of the rest of your life!

  11. I’m so nodding my head like a bobble chihuahua over this. We courthoused it. I hate being the main float in a parade- I’m more comfortable being in the corner making nasty comments with my husband! Eyes on the prize- they say if you survive the wedding, the marriage will be a breeze!

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