A Kick In The Cake Balls

cakeballsScrew the cake ball.

I’m sorry, that came off poorly. Screw the fucking cake ball. Darling readers, today I need to get something off my chest. Namely, the gross ganache covered bits of mushy cake mush that people keep trying to pass off as wedding cake.

These days, brides are doing all we can to be original. That makes a certain amount of sense. After all, you want your wedding to reflect the perfect, sparkly love that you and your darling darlingkins feel for each other’s naughty bits. Ergo, everything should be unique to you, including the cake! Why have plain, old wedding cake, when you can have something super cool like cake balls? Cake is for the olds. You and your darlingkins are young and hip and have a love like mushy cake mush. It is beautiful, non?

Non.

Kittens, regular cake is delicious. It comes in all sorts of flavors, is pretty to look at, delicious to eat, and covered in frosting. Why mess with a good thing? When people come to weddings, they expect wedding cake. It’s part of the fun! As a guest, I look forward to nothing so much as the end of the meal and subsequent cake unveiling. Will it be a lovely white cake covered in butter cream? Will the bride show her rebellious side and choose German chocolate? The possibilities are endlessly delicious! As long as it’s not covered in fondant sugary cardboard, the cake and I are compadres.

So, when people delete the cake altogether, my spleen starts a’twitching. It began with cupcakes, which at least retained the genre. They were smaller, but still had frosting! Acceptable. But then—then, kittens!—I attended a wedding with ice cream sundaes and another with fruit tarts. Raj and Griselda may have called them funnel cakes, but everyone knows that’s just another name for spidery donuts. The wedding cake, classic and delightful, is becoming an endangered species.

Cake balls are, in my book, the worst offenders. They dress themselves up as cake, with frosting and crumbling centers and dainty decorations, but they fail on every level. In order to get cake into a photogenic little ball, one must destroy it. The cake batter is made unnaturally gooey, so it can be properly scooped, then half-baked and covered in sugary cement. How does that sound appetizing? If I wanted crunchy mush balls, I’d eat a deep fried Twinkie. Cake was not meant to be scooped! It’s belittling to such a noble, respected pastry. Cake, my dear ground squirrels, should be cut—whether into slices or squares, I leave to you—but never, not ever, attacked with a spoon.

Further more, it should not be miniscule. Cake does not exist to be tiny and cute, but to bring comfort and diabetic comas. I don’t want a small ball of it on a decorative toothpick, instead of a sizable slice that requires a fork. Where are the people clamoring for less cake? Your bridesmaids did not don Spanx underneath those taffeta monstrosities, in order to eat small amounts of pastry goo. Only dessert communists would want to ration the joy.

I may not care about much, when it comes to my own wedding, but the people will have cake! More specifically, they will have cakes. We couldn’t make up our minds at the tasting—because cake is, as we’ve covered, delicious—so we’re having three. Wedding guests, I’d wear the stretchy pants, come December.

– Grace

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15 thoughts on “A Kick In The Cake Balls

  1. I had cupcakes, but only because I wanted my aunt to make the cake and attend the wedding. She said that it would be easier for her to make cupcakes instead of a cake. I did not care enough to order a cake from anyone else, since cupcakes are so similar. That being said, I would be sad if there were no cake/cupcakes at a wedding.

  2. I applaud you for this…CAKE BALLS MY LILLY WHITE TATTOOED ASS!!!! they are neatly stacked doughnut holes! nothing more than a cheap way to fleece the consumer and “make it trendy” My better half and I are looking into getting married and I SWEAR if she brings this idea up the wedding is definitely OFF. Why would ANYONE other than some half assed hipster break with a good tradition like making everyone fat with a wedding cake….and lets not forget that the first layer. the very top normally sits in the freezer till your first anniversary so that you can share in the joy of 1 year old stale wedding cake….

  3. Agreed. In fact, I agree so much that at our upcoming nuptials – I’m having a CAKE BUFFET. There will be not one, but nine cakes. And my beau (a cake-maker extraordinare) is making them all. Oh yes.

  4. We had cupcakes as well, we didn’t have an actual meal just snacks and appetizers since the wedding was at 7pm. So we felt cupcakes kind of fit with the no fork required buffet style. We went with marble because we couldn’t decide between chocolate or vanilla,and the tops were covered with very rich and thick icing. And we didn’t skimp out, we went with average sized cupcakes, not the bite size stuff. We also had a small cake made just for us to cut, which we never got around to doing. I didn’t realize that cutting the cake was the international sign for “it’s safe to eat the cupcakes now”… So we ended up begging people to take a bunch home with then. The cake is now sitting in the freezer, but with my husbands sweet tooth it won’t last till our first anniversary.

  5. Cake! Yes! Always, always cake! I plan on having 2 cakes. My darling desires a Dairy Queen ice cream cake, and should we decide to sign the paper, my darling will have his ice cream cake and I will have my chocolate cake with buttercream icing…. and a candy buffet for dessert, because gummy worms.

  6. Okay, so we had cupcakes. But I built the tower out of leftover cardboard from packing boxes and beer cans, so I feel like it was win-win.
    I’ve also had my gripes with cake balls. Someone told me once that they were taking a “cake ball class” and I was all, “THERE’S A WHOLE CLASS FOR THAT???”

  7. I have to say this. *deep breath* I don’t like cake. *exhale* That being said, I know that I’m a stranger in this land void of sugary confectioners delight. Should I ever get married, there damn well will be an awesome, frosting loaded, mountainous cake! And…a s’mores bar…. 🙂

  8. Great post! A quick look at my blog would tell anyone who doesn’t know me that I am a firm believer in cake!

    Being “original” when planning a wedding is often the downfall of the bride (The Thong Song for the first dance, anyone?)

    But by far the worst sin is to mess with the cake. I mean, what’s wrong with some people?

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