Internet, you’re in a dark place. It’s been a really rough week for you, I get it. First, Kimye’s baby turned out to be not a tabloid mâché doll, then N*SYNC both implied and denied VMA reunion rumors. That kind of stress can be hard to deal with. So, it’s no wonder that you proceeded to flip shit over the news that Ben Affleck has been cast as Batman. You just wanted to see him out that door, baby, bye bye bye!
Still, I think it’s time to simmer down. Is Ben Affleck a left field choice for Batman? Of course. It’s hard to envision him as a superhero and not immediately run screaming for the Febreeze, thanks to that flaming pile of choleric donkey waste, Daredevil. However, I think you’re missing the point. Batman v. Superman was never going to be good. They could reanimate the corpse of Cary Grant, cast him as Batman, then guarantee a 3D nude scene. It still wouldn’t save this movie.
It’s going to be wretched. Let’s discuss why!
Batman v. Superman: Y’all, it’s called Batman versus Superman. That’s right, the plot of the movie is right there in the title: the Man of Steel fights against the Man of Rubber Nipples. There could not be a more trite movie concept. Here, I’ll write the screenplay myself:
Superman: Gee willikers! Something bad is happening in Gotham! I better get down there and save the day.
Batman: Hey, Tights McGee, this is my turf. Also: RACHEL!
Superman: I don’t know, Mister. You seem to have pretty outlandish methods. Someone is bound to get hurt!
Batman: This is Gotham. They’ve already been frozen, nerve gassed, and poisoned by evil plant venom. I think they can handle my scary gun. Back off.
Superman: You shoved me! That’s a challenge!
Batman: Sure is, Martian Man.
Lex Luther: LOOK A REAL BAD THING IS NOW HAPPENING, BECAUSE YOU TWO WERE TOO BUSY FIGHTING. EVIL CACKLE!
Superman and Batman: Let’s work together reluctantly!
Yes, Warner Brothers, I am available for hire. I’ll even throw in a homoerotic training montage just for funsies. Zach Snyder will get to go all 300 with it!
Zach Snyder, himself: Look, as soon as they attached Snyder to direct, this movie was all over. Snyder has never, not ever, made a reasonably edited film. This movie will be forty-five minutes too long, filled with “meaningful character development” scenes that solely consist of brooding looks, and will be topped off with glowing alien genitalia. That’s how he rolls! Let’s count ourselves lucky that he can’t spray anyone with CGI gold body paint in this one.
The Batman Voice: Do we really have to discuss this one? It exists and it is awful. It’s also so embedded in the audience’s expectations that it must be kept for continuity’s sake. Hooray! Also: RACHEL!
Dolphin Erotica: It’s common knowledge in Geekland that Batman v. Superman is trying to accomplish one thing: set-up an eventual Justice League movie to rival Marvel’s success with The Avengers. That’s awesome and all, but have you actually seen the original Justice League members? Sure, there are the cool kids like Batty and the Flash, but the league also features Martian Manhunter (He’s a big green martian who hunts criminals! He’s just as lame as he sounds!) and Aquaman.
The blonde dude who speaks to sea creatures and wears scales. AQUAMAN! The most non-terrifying superhero who’s ever existed. “Oh no! Don’t sic the dolphins on me, Aquaman! I’ll only…move onto dry land where they can’t get me.”
Honestly, after certain studies in the 50s showed just how much dolphins love love humans, I’m surprised this dude isn’t permanently pushed into the background. We know what you’re saying to those porpoises, Aquaman, and we are not amused! Sexual harassment harms marine mammals too!
Karl Urban: Finally, we have the real problem with this movie. Karl Urban was supposed to be cast as Batman, but had to decline due to scheduling issues. You see, it’s not that Affleck is going to be a bad Batman, it’s only…he’s not Karl Urban. There is no gleam in his eye or rugged cut to his jaw! He doesn’t have the same delightfully sarcastic delivery! He’s not a Kiwi! Karl Urban could have, just maybe, done what zombie Cary Grant couldn’t even accomplish now: save this damned movie.
As it is, I’ll be bringing my animal crackers to this one. Maybe if I throw enough of them at the screen, they’ll get the hint and switch to Armageddon halfway through? At least, in that awful Affleck flick, he wasn’t wearing rubber tights.