One Flew Over the High School Reunion

woman_typing_vintageDear Eastlake High School Class of 2003,

Thanks to your thirty-two Facebook messages, I am now quite aware that it’s been ten years since we departed the hallowed halls of Eastlake. Tradition calls for marking that in some way, I suppose. You have decided that way shall be a $40/ticket cocktail hour with my fellow alums, while I…

I have decided to dance a jig on the grave of my high school career and never think of it again. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like Eastlake was torture. You were all perfectly nice to me, except for that one time in ninth grade when Steven Belch called my boobs fat, and I was relatively well-known and liked. It’s just that…high school was lame, my dears. So painfully lame! To my recollection, it was filled with relationship drama, people who didn’t always apply deodorant, and the wearing of entirely too much burnt orange. I look so much better in a nice blush pink.

Let’s be honest, high school reunions serve one time-honored purpose: to let everyone know what you’ve been doing with the last decade of your life and bask in their envy. Darlings, I enjoy a good envy bask as much as the next girl, but we have Facebook now! I don’t need to feign enjoyment in Kyle HerpesChin’s conversation about insurance sales, for him to know I have four fancy schmancy degrees. Suffering through Maggie Ho’s retelling of her fifth childbirth is unnecessary, as I’ve seen all of her Facebook photos, including that ill-advised one of her pee stick pregnancy test. I know what’s happening in your lives, lieblings, and I don’t care.

You’re shocked. That’s understandable, but we just put in new blog carpet, so do contain your horrified meltdown. It’s not that I dislike you, only that I’m benignly disinterested in you. We were forced together for four years of public school, then set free into the world. Those of you whom I really cared about, I’ve stayed friends with. We talk, we get together on holidays, and we gossip about the rest of you. I know what’s happening, you know what’s happening, so why suffer through weak cocktails and awkward small talk? That sounds more painful than our senior year performance of West Side Story! (Which is saying something, as my only lines consisted of “Ooo” and “Ooo-bi-lee-oo,” followed by ditzy and anti-feminist giggling.) If I wanted such torture, I’d join the Junior League. At least, they offer fancy dinner parties!

Friends of mine are attending and perfectly excited to do so. I don’t know where they obtained those rosy lenses through which to view our time at Eastlake, but I haven’t invested in any yet. You’re lovely people, but I have better things to do with the weekend of August 10th. Expressing my dog’s anal glands, perhaps.

So, no. I will not be reuniting with you. Check my Scantron in the negative! I hope you’re all having lovely lives—with the possible exception of Steve Belch and his amusingly receding hairline—and are as happy as General Sherman with flame thrower. Do not miss me or speculate on my absence! If I’ve forgotten enough of the early 2000s by then, I will see you at our twentieth reunion.

Don’t bet your mobile phone accessories store on it.

Love In The Impersonal Sense,

 Miss Grace O’Kelly, Class of ’03


11 thoughts on “One Flew Over the High School Reunion

  1. My ten-year college reunion is coming up, and I’ve also been getting bombarded with Facebook messages and emails for that little shindig. When my dad asked why I’m not going, I said “Because I don’t want to. I spent a lot of time during college feeling lonely and out of place, and I’d rather not revisit those years. Besides, I have Facebook and know exactly what’s going on in everyone’s life. I mean, I barely talk to these people at all — and yet I know their kids’ birthdays, when they hit their developmental milestones, when their precious snowflakes took their first shit in the potty…do you know how much I don’t want to get stuck talking about somone’s adventures in potty training their kids?”

    So, y’know, all that is to say that I can completely relate with your lack of a desire to attend your reunion. A weekend of sangria and bad movies sounds far more entertaining!

  2. It is so nice to know that other people feel the same. I am a lot older than you and I graduated back when bangs were modeled after skyscrapers and it was cool to have bigger shoulders than the boys, you know 1989. 🙂 I have never been or care to ever attend a high school reunion. I don’t have a face book but those I wish to talk to I can pick up the phone or send a text. I didn’t care for high school, why would I want to go back. So…don’t let ’em pressure you!

  3. I am so with you on this! I still have a few more years until mine, but I have NO desire to go! In fact, I have been thinking about deleting from facebook all of my high school friends that I haven’t actually seen or at least talked to since, um, high school!

  4. My 10 year reunion was a few summers ago, and as much as I fought it, I did end up going. My high school years were tumultuous (even for teenager standards) and I couldn’t wait to get out of there!!! My large group of high school friends met at a restaurant before the reunion and that was fun, it was the same restaurant that we went to before prom. The reunion its self was pretty boring, I answered the same three questions, what do i do? am I married? and do I have children? Had I known I would have made a t-shirt with the answers on it… Facebook did take some of the guess work out of it for some of us. I did see two old friends that I had no seen in years and it was nice to catch up with them. I’m glad I went in the end and I’m also glad its over!

  5. And I have skipped all of my reunions as well. I feel zero attachment to my high school, and like you, the people I want to stay in contact with, I do. I think they were probably more meaningful decades ago when most people didn’t attend college, so high school was the zenith of their life.

  6. I’m having my 10 year in one month. I thought, maybe I should go for a run or two. I could stand to lose a few vanity pounds before the event. But, then I just thought that I’d go stand next to the former “most popular girl in school” who hasn’t aged well at all and I’ll look like a million bucks! 😉

  7. I had to laugh when I read your post Grace – because you have nailed the topic. I remember my 10-year high school reunion with some fond-, but more not-so-fond memories. I remember dancing the night away with a friend (who I was crazy about) only for him to come out of the closet some days later…and someone spilling red wine on my brand new blouse. What was even more interesting to me was just how many of the same cliques were in place – it’s like some people just didn’t move on. I’m with you – Facebook offers more than enough info on the people we know, but don’t really need to know more about. The ones that matter are the ones we spend real time with…and if there is great distance between us, we still pick up the phone.

  8. It’s my 10 year reunion this year as well and as a “kick off” our head girl decided for us to get together at our schools Founders Day. LAME! Good grief, the only time I plan on going to Founders Day is when I’m 80 years old (if I’m even still alive by then). And really, on a FRI morning? When most people are working? Seems a bit shortsighted, sorry. the people from high school that I keep in contact with are the ones that I WANT to keep in contact with and am genuinely interested in their lives. the rest, meh. And anyways, if I’m going to our “official” reunion (the Lord alone knows when that is), I’ll want to look amazing, shmooze a bit and then duck. Just to show my face, hi and bye.

  9. While I have yet to have my high school reunion I have zero interest in going. I agree. We have Facebook. I know what I want about my former classmates and they know what they want to about me. Seems over rated and I, thankfully, have better things to do with my time.

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