Good afternoon, kittens! For some time now, I have held a dream close to my heart. Surprisingly, I’m not talking about setting up a detective agency or finally learning to make Parisian macarons, but something infinitely more daunting. Advice giving!
I, Grace O’Kelly, have a not-so-secret passion for dispensing wisdom. This is why we’ve always said that, if you have a question, you can e-mail us anytime. It was less about wanting blog header design inquiries and more my wishful daydreams of Sad Suzy from Switzerland. Only, the e-mails never came. For too long, my advice went ungiven to anyone but my dog. (Who, incidentally, still hasn’t asked out that cute corgi next door.) Until now! Because perhaps people haven’t been asking us questions, but they have been asking internet.
Google, that delightful search engine in the sky, has been sending them to us. So, from the depths of our search terms, I give you the first installment of: Ask A Spinster!
“How can I make my spinsterhood exciting?”
Darling, I’m so glad you asked. If you’re finding spinsterhood boring, then obviously you haven’t discovered roller derby yet. Nothing livens up a day like whirling at top speeds around a track, trying to do bodily harm to another person. Oh, the thrill of your first clothesline! Nothing rivals such bloodthirsty joy. Or, so I hear.
I’m not so great at roller skating. Or being in pain. Quite frankly, my spinsterhood was filled with things like eating pie and sewing dresses. My biggest thrill, to date, was watching Firefly in Whedon’s intended chronology, rather than the broadcasted order. Woohoo! But you seem to need more. That’s understandable! Being single can get lonely, even when it’s a conscious choice you’ve made. So, roller derby, my dear! If that’s not your cup of tea, find a passion that is. Learning a hobby or finding a cause can fill up downtime faster than anything. Also, it’s a bit more productive than my Mal ogling.
“If someone calls me love, are they patronizing me?“
Excellent question! Here’s my litmus test: Does the person in question sincerely love you? Take for example Professor McGregor. The dear professor calls me “love” all the time, but it works, because I am his love. It’s like calling someone “friend,” when they’re your friend. It’s just a glorious statement of fact!
However, if it’s a random stranger or person you don’t actually love? Definitely patronizing. This is right up there with “sweetheart” and “babe” on the list of inappropriate things men call younger women. Remind them, perhaps with an artfully placed elbow, that you do not love them referring to you so.
“Do spinsters eventually want to get married?”
Welcome, dearest! I can only assume that you’ve recently met a spinster you admire. Congratulations! This is a very exciting development for you. As such I will answer your question with the utmost sincerity: It depends. You see, spinsters are people and people, as you have no doubt noticed, are different from each other.
Despite what society may intimate, not all spinsters harbor dreams of domesticity. Some of them are much happier building their careers as elephant psychiatrists than settling down with a spouse. Meanwhile, some spinsters just never found a person wonderful enough to tempt them out of their independent ways. For a clue to which camp your spinster may be in, I have a radical notion. Ask her.
“I believe I am in need of a haircut.“
This is not a question, but I will still accept it. If you think you’re in need of a haircut, you probably are. Contrary to popular belief, this state can not be fixed by a quick Google search. Instead, hie yourself off to the nearest salon, liebling! There, you will find a brilliant person who actually gets paid to trim the fluff around your ears.
If that fails, buy a Flowbee.
This has been the first installment of Ask A Spinster! If you have questions you’d like answered by your friendly local spinster, leave them in the comments or e-mail them to us!
With love and pie,
Grace O’Kelly, Wisdom Dispenser