Ask A Spinster: On Flowbees and Roller Derby

mailgirlGood afternoon, kittens! For some time now, I have held a dream close to my heart. Surprisingly, I’m not talking about setting up a detective agency or finally learning to make Parisian macarons, but something infinitely more daunting. Advice giving!

I, Grace O’Kelly, have a not-so-secret passion for dispensing wisdom. This is why we’ve always said that, if you have a question, you can e-mail us anytime. It was less about wanting blog header design inquiries and more my wishful daydreams of Sad Suzy from Switzerland. Only, the e-mails never came. For too long, my advice went ungiven to anyone but my dog. (Who, incidentally, still hasn’t asked out that cute corgi next door.) Until now! Because perhaps people haven’t been asking us questions, but they have been asking internet.

Google, that delightful search engine in the sky, has been sending them to us. So, from the depths of our search terms, I give you the first installment of: Ask A Spinster!

“How can I make my spinsterhood exciting?”

Darling, I’m so glad you asked. If you’re finding spinsterhood boring, then obviously you haven’t discovered roller derby yet. Nothing livens up a day like whirling at top speeds around a track, trying to do bodily harm to another person. Oh, the thrill of your first clothesline! Nothing rivals such bloodthirsty joy. Or, so I hear.

I’m not so great at roller skating. Or being in pain. Quite frankly, my spinsterhood was filled with things like eating pie and sewing dresses. My biggest thrill, to date, was watching Firefly in Whedon’s intended chronology, rather than the broadcasted order. Woohoo! But you seem to need more. That’s understandable! Being single can get lonely, even when it’s a conscious choice you’ve made. So, roller derby, my dear! If that’s not your cup of tea, find a passion that is. Learning a hobby or finding a cause can fill up downtime faster than anything. Also, it’s a bit more productive than my Mal ogling.

“If someone calls me love, are they patronizing me?

Excellent question! Here’s my litmus test: Does the person in question sincerely love you? Take for example Professor McGregor. The dear professor calls me “love” all the time, but it works, because I am his love. It’s like calling someone “friend,” when they’re your friend. It’s just a glorious statement of fact!

However, if it’s a random stranger or person you don’t actually love? Definitely patronizing. This is right up there with “sweetheart” and “babe” on the list of inappropriate things men call younger women. Remind them, perhaps with an artfully placed elbow, that you do not love them referring to you so.

“Do spinsters eventually want to get married?”

Welcome, dearest! I can only assume that you’ve recently met a spinster you admire. Congratulations! This is a very exciting development for you. As such I will answer your question with the utmost sincerity: It depends. You see, spinsters are people and people, as you have no doubt noticed, are different from each other.

Despite what society may intimate, not all spinsters harbor dreams of domesticity. Some of them are much happier building their careers as elephant psychiatrists than settling down with a spouse. Meanwhile, some spinsters just never found a person wonderful enough to tempt them out of their independent ways. For a clue to which camp your spinster may be in, I have a radical notion. Ask her.

“I believe I am in need of a haircut.

This is not a question, but I will still accept it. If you think you’re in need of a haircut, you probably are. Contrary to popular belief, this state can not be fixed by a quick Google search. Instead, hie yourself off to the nearest salon, liebling! There, you will find a brilliant person who actually gets paid to trim the fluff around your ears.

If that fails, buy a Flowbee.

This has been the first installment of Ask A Spinster! If you have questions you’d like answered by your friendly local spinster, leave them in the comments or e-mail them to us!

With love and pie,

Grace O’Kelly, Wisdom Dispenser

21 thoughts on “Ask A Spinster: On Flowbees and Roller Derby

  1. hahahahahaha, good one, just one thought on calling you “love”-it’s ok if it’s old Irish or Scottish lady, they do it all the time and it’s kinda sweet actually, ” more tea, love?”

    • That is an excellent caveat! I perhaps need to add “If the person is legitimately nice, old, and/or adorable, it’s all good.” to my answer.

  2. I call people love all the time! To strangers too… I really don’t mean for it to be patronizing, sometimes it just comes out. It’s become a part of my terms of endearments for my friends and I guess subconsciously I’ve been trying to spread the love to the rest of the world! …hope it didn’t offend anyone!

    • Katie, I really should make an addendum to that answer. If you’re saying love with love, then it’s most likely coming off quite well and not patronizing. I was really thinking of male strangers saying this to women, rather than any other situation. I’m all for love! Keep on love-ing!

  3. Why do lonely, single women enjoy the company of cats? I mean dogs are much better companions. Cats are independent and scoff at their owners frequently. Do these women enjoy the abuse? Is that why they’re single and lonely? Oh, a chicken and the egg conundrum!

  4. Oh, I would totally ask for spinster advice, only to be worried that it would be oh-so unanonymous (and unglamorous) to the trained eye. Alas.

    I love answering Google questions. A few weeks ago, I answered a handful, and one search term was “ripped old dudes.” Naturally, my answer means that I now get people searching for “nothing but Speedos.” I sense that our relationships with the Google algorithm might be different, Grace.

    • I think that old people have very little going on in their lives, which forces them to worry about you and your life instead. Also, we forget that back-in-the-day it was was terribly normal to be engaged and sometimes even married by 18, to allow the time to have kids by age 21. Times have changed, and modern medicine allows women to have babies at a much older age. Also, the youth of today are much more savvy and set on making the right choices. No rushing into anything. Unfortunately most old people are just stuck in their old ways. I just stick to my gut and brush off any frustrating comments. Just remember – they’re bugging you out of love – even if it is old fashioned and annoying.

  5. Great idea! I have pondered many times to start a problem solving agency, I just don’t know how to get customers! Anyway, I can absolutely relate to your desire to share some more wisdom with the world.

    • Also – where I come from, EVERYONE is called ‘love’. In other parts of the UK, you’d be called ‘Pet’ or ‘Duck’ or ‘Darlin” or ‘Mucca’ or ‘Hen’ … all of which are meant with, and usually received with little to no offence.

  6. Seriously, every single time you mention Buffy or Firefly or anything Whedon related I want to get up and do a little dance! But then I remember I’m British and I don’t do those sort of things.

    Get called ‘love’ a fair few times, but I think it’s a British thing. Maybe. I hope so.

  7. I would never have believed a Flowbee was a real thing if there hadn’t been a link there. Who on Earth would use that thing?! Sometimes I think that As Seen On TV products are putting a serious dent in our evolutionary process.

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