There is great danger ahead. The bridal magazines warn of it and dress clerks speak of it in hushed, panicky tones, as though the barest mention can summon its cream-filled wrath. It is the monster they call fat and it’s the quickest way to ruin a wedding.
I know what you’re thinking. But, Grace, I’m happy with my size! Dr. Swoodilypooper fell in love with me just as I am, so why change now? Don’t ask me, dearest. Personally, I think you’re the bee’s knees and should stay as you are, but I do not make the wedding rules. If I did, there would be more elephant rides. Unfortunately, the wedding industry is against fun and your body. You are a bride, so you should lose weight. It’s in all the literature!
As soon as you get Facebook engaged, that paramount sign of commitment, you’re inundated with wedding ads. Photographers, venues, and DJs all want
your money to help with your special day. None, however, seem more concerned than the personal trainers. Look perfect on your special day, they promise. Don’t you want to be a shiny, happy wedding princess? Well, princesses aren’t a size 12, so join a boot camp, fatty fatpants. A true bride prepares for her wedding like it’s a war. Death to the thunder thighs!
No matter the bride, improvements are necessary. Sure, you may already be a size 2, but are you a toned size 2? Worse, do you have a bit of cellulite, that natural way female fat is stored? Disgusting! Stop eating this instant. You’re going to be in pictures, darling. They’re worth a 1000 words, 999 of which could be variants of “chunky apple pie face.” You don’t want your grandchildren thinking you looked like a lace-cased sausage, do you? They won’t love you anymore! You are a woman, darling, and women are delicate flowers. Just because you’ve fooled a man into thinking your body is sex incarnate, doesn’t make it acceptable.
As a bride, you have certain responsibilities. Chief among them is looking conventionally beautiful. You only get this one day ever to be happy, so make it count. Heaven forbid your guests leave chatting about the great food and lively conversation! If they’re not complimenting your spindly collarbone, you have failed. And if you fail at being a bride? Barbie comes to life, knocks in your door with a magenta battering ram, and revokes your woman card. Then, who will do your husband’s laundry? Get dieting now, or else…
Or, call me crazy, you could find a dress that makes you happy and sashay up to the alter as the person you are. Shock your guests and – gasp! – look like the you they already love. It’s one thing to want to feel better or combat health problems, but why exactly are we dieting ourselves down to an unmaintainable size for one party? Your wedding photos don’t actually follow you around, shadow-like, for all your days. Despite what the magazines tell you, you are not your dress size. Not this day, not ever. You are your career, your friends, your perfectly twee impression of Zooey Deschanel. You are not a bride, you are a person.