Send Me No Flowers, Only Dead Mice

il_570xN.337775143The stuffed bears cometh. They sneak in the night, armed with heart-shaped boxes of bad chocolate, taking up residence in grocery store aisles and college dorm rooms. According to the media, the proper Valentine’s Day gift involves: pink things, hearts, stuffed animals, chocolate, and flowers. I disagree. Professor McGregor, all I really want for Valentine’s Day is you.

And an ethically taxidermied mouse dressed as King Henry VIII.

Unlike many other things I say, this is not actually a joke. I for real real want a costumed mouse. Preferably one dressed as a historical figure. Just think how adorably macabre Marie Antoinratte would look on my dresser, with her wee feathered wig, or Lucrezia Boursin armed with a mini bottle of poison.  Maybe it’s because I’m deeply twisted or that I’ve decided to base all of my life choices on Let’s Pretend This Never Happened, but either way: dead mice for Valentine’s Day. This is what my soul wants!

Which brings me to my point: the Valentine’s Day industry is lying. Do not fall for their tricks, friends. The commercials tell us that women want flowers and hearts and extravagant gestures. She doesn’t. Or she might. Honestly, I don’t know what your wife/girlfriend/inamorata wants for Valentine’s Day, because I don’t know her. Maybe the thought of jewelry bores her, because all she wants is a tour of a sewage treatment plant! Or, perhaps, she just wants you to leave the house for three hours, so she can watch the Rockets game in peace. I do not know the innermost workings of her mind! Neither do the ad executives.

It could be that she doesn’t even want to celebrate Valentine’s Day, because she believes that it’s an invented holiday to shill pajamagrams and mediocre boxes of candy to the bumbling masses. She could very well think that even mentioning Valentine’s Day is giving it more power, like creating little verbal horcruxes of consumerism, and she’d rather pretend it doesn’t exist. Or maybe that’s all a ruse, concocted by her clever mind to see how much you really love her, so you better show up with daffodils or else. I don’t know!

Valentine’s Day is complicated, because—surprise!— people are complicated. Sometimes they want flowers and sometimes they want dead animals in Victorian garb. It’s a toss up. Good luck, you zany kids!

– Grace

22 thoughts on “Send Me No Flowers, Only Dead Mice

  1. I love the mention of a sewer plant…as odd as it sounds I am dying for a tour of the local steel recycling plant that is on my way to work 🙂 might need to mention that to the hubby for valentines!

    • Lauren, can we be friends in real life? I would LOVE to go on that tour. I am endlessly fascinated by giant machines and things being turned into other things. (Deep, I know.) Please, please mention it to your hubby…then tell us all how it was!

      • Will do! I drive by it every morning on my way to work and see these glowing beams of hot metal through the steam…so so cool 🙂

        And yes, we can be friends!

  2. I watched a movie called Dinner for Schmucks recently about a guy who dressed up dead mice (not as creepy as it sounds – he was a taxidermist). Have you seen it? If you haven’t, and you have a thing for dead mice, you should see it!

  3. I’m not sure what the wifey really wants, but I didn’t get her a dead mouse. Instead, it’s a chick-lit novel about Jane Austen as a vampire. Hope that works for her.

  4. Love this. A Marie Antoinette stuffed mouse does sound sort of adorable. Hope The Professor manages to snag that for you!

    Currently in a V-day quandry, what with it being the first one I’m in a proper relationship, there’s been no mention of any grand events and I’m not sure what is expected of me… or him! Wish the day didn’t exist. Every day should be valentine’s day with your other half.

    • Oh, Jaina, I have definitely been in that quandary! January/Early February is such an awkward time to find yourself in a new relationship, thanks to the Valentine’s Day dilemma. My go-to for things like that is a batch of homemade cookies and a card. It’s thoughtful, but doesn’t break the bank or come off as too much, which is the sweet spot for beginning relationships.

      Sidenote, hooray for your new love! That’s so exciting!

      • Thanks for the advice, Grace 🙂 Definitely needed and appreciated! Though I’ve since found out that he hates all things Valentines related with a passion. Good to know!

  5. Valentines Day, i agree was made for the consumer and the manufacturer. But just because it was a holiday made to open up the flood gates on your wallet doesn’t mean you cannot use it to your advantage. Make your significant other something from your heart. Coming up with a crafty idea for your lady on Valentines will mean much more than a dozen Roses from the florists. One is a phone call and a payment;. The other actually takes genuine thought and compassion and time. Time is something you cannot put a price on and it will show on your ladies face when she recieves your gift you made that you put a few hours of your time and compassion on.

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