Christmas Presents for People You Loath

bad-christmas-presents-300x199Snow is falling, children are sitting on high-spirited fat men, and you’re stressing over what to buy your aunt’s new husband, Craig, who always calls you Mare, even though you’ve told him over and over that your name is Mary, because you’re not a fucking horse. Oh, Christmastime. It’s just the best, isn’t it?

Across the internet, bloggers are posting helpful gift lists. Whether for your hipster cousin or your boyfriend’s parents, suggestions abound. These lists are filled with thoughtful, lovely things that will put a smile on even the most stoic of faces. But what if you’re buying a present for someone you can’t stand? Uncle Craig, for instance, does not deserve cashmere-lined gloves. Quite frankly, he doesn’t deserve anything at all, but your aunt would be upset if you left him off the list. So, you idly peruse the Brookstone website and grumble. It’s a conundrum, kittens. Where is the passive aggressive’s holiday catalog? Where is the list of Christmas Presents for People You Loath?

Oh, it’s right here. We spinsters do so try to be helpful, lieblings. Whether it’s for a high school friend whose Facebook updates feed a long festering rage, or an insurance salesman neighbor (enough said), I’ve come up with a few “nice” gifts for the “friends” in your life.

  1. Holiday-Candles2Aromatherapy Candles – You know what sucks? Sneezing. You know what sucks more? Being on fire. If I mildly detested someone, I’d hand them a tastefully appointed basket of cedar-scented candles. Live in central Texas long enough and two things will happen: you’ll develop a cedar allergy and your power will be knocked out. It is a universal truth that the only candles one locates in a storm are those that one hates. Cue sneezing. Cue revenge. Also, let’s be honest. This gift looks harmless at first, but there’s always the chance Mortal Enemy will knock a candle over and burn down her garage. Just try not maniacally laugh, if that happens. People will start to suspect something…
  2. dead plantAnything With Leaves – Perhaps, you don’t dislike someone enough to wish property damage on them. What you need is a gift for that co-worker who always one-ups you in meetings. Something nice, but subtly evil. Mother Nature, that ingenious bitch, created an answer: plants. Have you ever owned a plant? They are a pain in the ass, always needing water or attracting tiny flying bugs. The minute you’re proud of your plant-nurturing skills, they contract a fungus and die. Give a gift of a plant and you’re giving the gift of daily nuisance and heartbreak.
  3. Leaf-Napkin-Ring-27Anything Made With Leaves – While I am a staunch DIY gift fan, I believe there is one law of crafting: things made with leaves are hideous. You don’t believe me? You think anything made from nature is automatically lovely? Do a quick search on Pinterest for “DIY leaf.” Then, cackle. There are leaves hanging from wires, leaves DRESSED UP AS GHOSTS, and leaves modpodged onto bowls. Nothing says “You’re a rectal polyp, but still my cousin,” like sticking a leaf in some plaster and calling it a napkin ring.
  4. denny-duquetteThe Complete Grey’s Anatomy DVD Collection – You, my darling, are a true sadist. It’s not enough to give a bad craft, you’d like to inflict the most pain possible with your gift. Luckily, Shonda Rhimes exists. Not only is Grey’s Anatomy impossibly addictive, but it regularly fucks its viewership up. After last season’s finale, I ugly cried for a week. Just talking to Mae about what happened made me sob…a month later. And – this is the kicker- I hadn’t even watched Grey’s regularly in years. If a one-off episode can wreak that kind of havoc, think what eight straight seasons would do. One devastated shell-of-a-person coming up!
  5. western-australia-kangaroo-beachA Trip to Australia- So, you really hate someone. You want them to die a horrible death, writhing in agony while their soul slowly ebbs away, because they ___insert something awful, like “killed my childhood pet, Captain Woodpile, with a rusty chainsaw”___. Buy them a ticket to Australia, dearest. Sure, I may be a bit biased given my well-documented fear of the place, but the truth is obvious: Australia is hella dangerous. He or she could die of thirst in a desert, be bitten by one of the many poisonous spiders, or be eaten by a crocodile in the ocean. In a country where dingos eat babies, what’s the chance your mortal enemy will make it out alive? Slim to none, especially if she’s a slow runner.

And with that, Grace said, “Merry Christmas to all! And to all a good night! Except for you, little sister’s chemistry teacher who was mean to her, I hope you get herpes for the holiday.”

– Grace
PS: I legitimately don’t know what to get Professor McGregor’s parents for Christmas. They are awesome and don’t deserve leaf crafts. If you have a suggestion, please oh please, leave it in the comments!

22 thoughts on “Christmas Presents for People You Loath

    • Ha! Vicki, I’m not really sure what you could do to make me reach that level of hate, but if I ever win a free trip to Australia, it’s yours. 😉

  1. I actually decided to search (in the midst of reading your post) “DIY leaf” on Pinterest and the results were rather disappointing because you were right!

    Grey’s Anatomy is really a great gift for those you hate. It seems like every time I stay home because of feeling like total poo from a cold, I always manage to feel even worse by finding a Grey’s marathon and bawling my eyes out.

    As far as his parents… I will often do cutesy (maybe lame to some) themed gift baskets for people I don’t know terribly well. This year, I am making a movie themed gift basket for my boyfriend’s gift exchange at work. I made an ex’s parents a gift basket that was Christmas themed, but I gave it to them way before Christmas, so they didn’t have to wait an entire year before they could use any of the stuff (I loathe getting Christmas shit for Christmas).

    • Isn’t it so disappointing? Leaf crafts *sound* awesome, but I have yet to come across one that looks good. At best, they look DIY, at worst they look like a Kindergarten art project.

      Also, I love the idea of a gift basket! Thanks for the suggestion. It’s so hard to buy things for people you don’t know well, but a theme makes it much easier. I may have to brainstorm some basket ideas. And..oh my God. I wish I’d written a blog about getting Christmas stuff on Christmas. It’s the WORST.

  2. My sister is having the same problem – what to get the in-laws?!
    How about a voucher for dinner at their favourite restaurant? or a favourite of yours that they could try?
    Tickets to a show (if there’s anything good on, and they like that kind of thing) is also a good one. – Miss B

    • Other than the trip to Australia (which I would take, but fear), I honestly wouldn’t either Stephanie. Except for maybe the leaf napkin rings. Those are just awful. 😉

  3. Love it, love it, love it! But, I fear I must correct you – in Australia, we have crocodiles, not alligators. And they are also dangerous. And bite. And could kill you. So yep, a trip to Australia would be great for those you dislike – beause Australia is the country where “you might accidently get killed” according to the Scared Wierd Little Guys. 🙂 xo

    • Oh! Blast. I am forever mixing up those two species. Thanks for the correction! And thanks for taking my fear of Australia with a grain of salt, as well. I’m sure it’s a lovely place to be bitten by a spider. 😉

  4. P.s. a present for Prof McGregors parents could be as simple as a set of drinking glasses from the local variety store. Or how about a donation to Green Peace or something? If they are not activists types, then perhaps an “experience” gift such as driving a V8 round a race track, or going on the back of a Harley Davidson for a spell?

    • Oh, I absolutely love those ideas! Thank you! What an excellent postscript. The idea of an experience gift is so neat. That’s not something I’d ever have thought to do. I know what I’ll be Googling tonight!

      • Hi, Grace, sorry that I only just replied!!!!I Literally just today worked out tha tI have a little speech bubble on the top right hand side of my screen that tells me when I GET REPLIES TO MY COMMENTS!!!! I hope you had a fantastic Christmas and I will be looking forward to your next blog post. xo

  5. I’d avoid that trip to Australia idea – it has too much potential for backfiring in the form of, say, a raging Facebook non-friend posting countless photos of herself surrounded by dozens of ripped Aussie surfers, petting koalas, grabbing headlines by rescuing babies from the mouths of rabid dingoes…
    Fate has a weird sense of humour, so, you know, don’t tempt it… 😉

    • Ha! All most excellent points! I do tend to forget about the adorable koalas and hot people, in the face of stonefish and cone snails. That would be a sad turnaround, indeed.

    • No! No, no, no. It was only in the searching for “What to get my boyfriend’s parents” that I came across the leaf napkin rings and this post snowballed. His parents are beyond wonderful. Also, even if they were puppy murderers, I would never write about them on the Internet. I don’t believe focusing on specific people, unless it’s positive.

  6. I like your list. Candles are probably the most popular gift here in London. As for Professor’s parent’s, how about a nice pen for his dad and shawl or scarf to keep his mum warm? Actually, don’t listen to what I say, I’m horrible with gifts – always give people books I wish I had.
    Merry Christmas to you! x

  7. I have been the unfortunate recipient of a candle gift too many times. I didn’t think about the potential house burning or allergies but the fact that the gifter obviously knew so little about me to bother with anything less generic than a candle. Alas, I just had a birthday and was given a candle….

    Watch out for drop bears in Australia too – very dangerous

  8. Reblogged this on Observations of a Lifetime and commented:
    Just been reading the latest blog form the spinsters… It’s great! I love the guys, their post are witty, funny and just a little bit of light relief! I wish my blog was as popular, but hey, wishful thinking for 24 hours on the blogging scene; maybe one day 😉
    Here’s a little taster of their work anyway.

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