Snow is falling, children are sitting on high-spirited fat men, and you’re stressing over what to buy your aunt’s new husband, Craig, who always calls you Mare, even though you’ve told him over and over that your name is Mary, because you’re not a fucking horse. Oh, Christmastime. It’s just the best, isn’t it?
Across the internet, bloggers are posting helpful gift lists. Whether for your hipster cousin or your boyfriend’s parents, suggestions abound. These lists are filled with thoughtful, lovely things that will put a smile on even the most stoic of faces. But what if you’re buying a present for someone you can’t stand? Uncle Craig, for instance, does not deserve cashmere-lined gloves. Quite frankly, he doesn’t deserve anything at all, but your aunt would be upset if you left him off the list. So, you idly peruse the Brookstone website and grumble. It’s a conundrum, kittens. Where is the passive aggressive’s holiday catalog? Where is the list of Christmas Presents for People You Loath?
Oh, it’s right here. We spinsters do so try to be helpful, lieblings. Whether it’s for a high school friend whose Facebook updates feed a long festering rage, or an insurance salesman neighbor (enough said), I’ve come up with a few “nice” gifts for the “friends” in your life.
- Aromatherapy Candles – You know what sucks? Sneezing. You know what sucks more? Being on fire. If I mildly detested someone, I’d hand them a tastefully appointed basket of cedar-scented candles. Live in central Texas long enough and two things will happen: you’ll develop a cedar allergy and your power will be knocked out. It is a universal truth that the only candles one locates in a storm are those that one hates. Cue sneezing. Cue revenge. Also, let’s be honest. This gift looks harmless at first, but there’s always the chance Mortal Enemy will knock a candle over and burn down her garage. Just try not maniacally laugh, if that happens. People will start to suspect something…
- Anything With Leaves – Perhaps, you don’t dislike someone enough to wish property damage on them. What you need is a gift for that co-worker who always one-ups you in meetings. Something nice, but subtly evil. Mother Nature, that ingenious bitch, created an answer: plants. Have you ever owned a plant? They are a pain in the ass, always needing water or attracting tiny flying bugs. The minute you’re proud of your plant-nurturing skills, they contract a fungus and die. Give a gift of a plant and you’re giving the gift of daily nuisance and heartbreak.
- Anything Made With Leaves – While I am a staunch DIY gift fan, I believe there is one law of crafting: things made with leaves are hideous. You don’t believe me? You think anything made from nature is automatically lovely? Do a quick search on Pinterest for “DIY leaf.” Then, cackle. There are leaves hanging from wires, leaves DRESSED UP AS GHOSTS, and leaves modpodged onto bowls. Nothing says “You’re a rectal polyp, but still my cousin,” like sticking a leaf in some plaster and calling it a napkin ring.
- The Complete Grey’s Anatomy DVD Collection – You, my darling, are a true sadist. It’s not enough to give a bad craft, you’d like to inflict the most pain possible with your gift. Luckily, Shonda Rhimes exists. Not only is Grey’s Anatomy impossibly addictive, but it regularly fucks its viewership up. After last season’s finale, I ugly cried for a week. Just talking to Mae about what happened made me sob…a month later. And – this is the kicker- I hadn’t even watched Grey’s regularly in years. If a one-off episode can wreak that kind of havoc, think what eight straight seasons would do. One devastated shell-of-a-person coming up!
- A Trip to Australia- So, you really hate someone. You want them to die a horrible death, writhing in agony while their soul slowly ebbs away, because they ___insert something awful, like “killed my childhood pet, Captain Woodpile, with a rusty chainsaw”___. Buy them a ticket to Australia, dearest. Sure, I may be a bit biased given my well-documented fear of the place, but the truth is obvious: Australia is hella dangerous. He or she could die of thirst in a desert, be bitten by one of the many poisonous spiders, or be eaten by a crocodile in the ocean. In a country where dingos eat babies, what’s the chance your mortal enemy will make it out alive? Slim to none, especially if she’s a slow runner.
And with that, Grace said, “Merry Christmas to all! And to all a good night! Except for you, little sister’s chemistry teacher who was mean to her, I hope you get herpes for the holiday.”
PS: I legitimately don’t know what to get Professor McGregor’s parents for Christmas. They are awesome and don’t deserve leaf crafts. If you have a suggestion, please oh please, leave it in the comments!