Forever Is A Really Long Time

Professor McGregor and I are probably getting married. We’ve discussed it extensively, my dad is scouting out potential venues, and I’ve already decided on a dress (to be fair: I’ve wanted a Dolly Couture dress for years now, forthcoming nuptials or not). He hasn’t proposed, but the only reason I use the word “probably” is because the apocalypse is supposedly nigh. Roving zombie hordes tend to change plans a bit.

Readers, I never thought I’d get married. It always seemed more likely that middle-aged Kate and I would share a rambling old Victorian mansion, collecting pets and rare books with a fervor and throwing tea parties for our bemused, but enchanted neighbors. This didn’t bother me. This, I thought, was a most excellent plan. None of my grand dreams for the future included a husband. Sure, I have a wedding board on Pinterest, but that’s because I live for pretty dresses and flower arrangements. It wasn’t even a daydream, it was an exercise in never-going-to-happen musings.

Now, in less than six months, it’s a thing that’s happening. I’ve met the guy. It’s wonderful.

It’s also terrifying. Why did no one warn me? Pop culture would have us believe that all the angst is in the finding of love, not in keeping it. This is not so! Admittedly, I find anxiety in the oddest of things, but the future seems to teem with danger. What if the things he finds endearing now become squeaking-dog-toy annoying? What if we violently disagree on the names of our spawn? What if I’m struck by a car, resulting in a massive head injury that changes my personality, forcing him to stick by me even though I’m suddenly a muppet supremacist?

It’s not Professor McGregor I doubt, but myself. I’ve never felt this way before, so how can I be sure everything will turn out well? Forever is a really long time. There’s plenty of opportunity for me to accidentally hurt him or ruin everything. I know that he’s funny. I know that he’s cute. I know that he’s eminently practical, which I both need and admire. But how do I know I won’t screw it all up? It’s easy to get lost in thoughts of pink bridal shoes and invitation sets, but the emotional questions keep me up at night.

People claim it will all work out. “What’s meant to be will be!” they shout with happy smiles. But, y’all, horrible things happen all the time. Nobody goes through life in a constant state of happiness. People die, people contract horrid illnesses, people inexplicably fall out of love. We take the good with the bad in life, but it doesn’t make the bad any less scary. I want to be this joyful forever. I want to be free of anxious questions forever. I just want to make Professor McGregor happy forever.

Forever, however, is like a Choose Your Own Adventure novel. The path to happiness seems to lie in that sunny meadow over there, but an anaconda might wait in the grass, ready to snack on my heart. I can’t just flip the pages back in real life. Professor McGregor is the adventure I choose, happily and whole-heartedly, but I’d really like some carnivorous snake repellant just in case.

– Grace

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21 thoughts on “Forever Is A Really Long Time

  1. So happy for you Grace…finding someone forever is amazing 🙂 (planning a wedding is fun is fun too! we had a ball bringing our vision to reality this August!)

  2. Grace, dear! I knew it! I just knew you were falling in love and that marriage wasn’t too far off! I am thrilled for you! No pressure, but before you decide on a dress, please take a look at my original designs at http://www.repro-retro.com/ I can do them in white, ivory, etc! Once again, SO happy for you! (Cocktails and Crinolines)

  3. Don’t worry about keeping him happy. Just be best friends with each other and live every day as if you were having a special friend over for a sleepover. If you do that, you will smile over the most mundane of conversations and you’ll have that happiness you want so much.

  4. This post was a bit startling for me, mostly because I started reading this blog around the time you and Professor McGregor started dating–and it’s hard to believe it’s been 6 months already! As someone who is often plagued by similar doubts, I often find they subside when I think about how no matter what bad stuff does happen, we’re committed to going through it together. So, sure, there may be a giant anaconda, but you won’t be fighting it alone 🙂

    • I know, I was totally startled when I started to read this post ! Grace, you should post some kind of “parental advisory” warning your to readers to have a seat and a cup of tea before they read this 🙂

      As for “forever” being a long time – well, it is. And I would say this : forever is a long time, and people die and get eaten by anacondas, but there isn’t anything you can do to prevent that.

      Your forever may last 20 years, or it may end tomorrow. Maybe it’ll be 80 long years as well, there’s no way of knowing what lies ahead. So go ahead and enjoy your “forever” one day at a time.

  5. What a great news! I’m so happy for you. I still remember your early posts about Professor, how you described the kisses, your pjs, and all the driving back and forth. Congratulations!

  6. Congrats! I too only chanced upon your blog when you first started posting about the Professor…you are so right there are so many things to worry away….finding love, keeping love, staying in love…but honestly as a fellow worrier i’ve wasted too much time, energy and sleep over things that never needed to be worried about…and still made it through…and so will you and your prince charming….so lovely to hear your news! =)

  7. Is ‘awwww’ a suitable reply? It might not be but it’s all I can think to say.

    It’s okay to feel doubtful of yourself in this place in your relationship. It shows you really care about the relationship. You want it to work!

  8. I think ultimately it has to be a leap of faith. You don’t know what the future holds, but if the Professor is the man you want to spend it with, I think that’s all you need to know. Best of luck to you both as you contemplate this decision!

  9. My response to this (literally, aloud, verbatim):
    “Look, there’s someone who sounds like me on the internet!”

    Forever IS a really long time. Isn’t that great? I think that’s great.

    And congratulations! Your Professor sounds like a sweetheart.

  10. This is so sweet and I am so excited for you, even though I’ve only been reading your blog for a couple months.
    In regards to your fears learning to forgive is going to be your best help. You will royally screw up. So will he. If you both decide to forgive and decide that your marriage is worth protecting then you will be okay.
    It is not easy. And I’m going to have to disagree with people who say if it’s meant to be it will work out. You have to work for it and you have to make it work. And highest of all you both have to do that. It cannot just be one person serving and forgiving the other.
    You are not perfect and that is okay. If he loves you well then he loves you in spite of all your faults.

  11. Also the land of what if is a terrifying place to be. I know that place well and I hate it. But you don’t have to live there. since you live in Texas I’m sure you’ve heard plenty of not so helpful talk about Jesus but I can honestly say that he is how I leave the land of what if. Praying against fear and for confidence in truth and knowing that he is someone that I can trust quiets the doubts.
    I don’t mean to preach. ❤

  12. Forever is a really long time….but when you’re with the right person, even forever doesn’t seem long enough. Wow….I was just moved by my own words and it was oddly unsettling. Congratulations, though. Enjoy your fancy dress and flowers. It’s a magic like no other. 🙂

  13. You are smart to realize you are “choosing” your own adventure. Because although marriage is bliss (I say from personal experience), the choosing and anxiety doesn’t stop. That’s something that needs to be written about much more often. 🙂 So I look forward to your musings when you arrive!

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