Hold on. That’s misleading. Let’s try this again, shall we? Readers, I literally fell asleep in a bed alongside Professor McGregor. We’ve only been dating two months and, while I’m a modern empowered woman, I’m not quite ready for that other totally-not-involving-slumber meaning of “sleeping.” I’m saving that until I know more pertinent facts about him, like his sexual history and favorite Ninja Turtle. (Raphael is the correct answer, obviously. Brooding testudines for the win!)
I have, however, slept over. Thrice. Part of this is borne of convenience. Thanks to our geographic incompatibility, visiting the dear professor requires a 100-mile drive up a stretch of I-35 known for its traffic and speed traps. After a week of early surgery call times, the last thing I want to do is drive three-hours round trip for dinner. Seeing him is worth it, but why spend two hours with a hot academic, when I could spend twelve? Sleeping over is the obvious, if complicated, solution.
Maybe it’s just me, but the logistics of staying at a new guy’s house had me all aflutter. There were so many things to consider! Sides of the bed, proper attire, morning rituals. The (sometimes odd, yes) mind reels. Especially when one is only sleeping and not sleeping with someone, guidelines must be set in place.
- Avoid Pirate Cats – In movies, girls always wear super cute things to bed, usually involving lace or sexy little shorts. As far as I can tell, this is just a Hollywood fantasy, like Joseph Gordon Levitt. Left to my own devices, my nighttime uniform is all college t-shirts and novelty pajama pants. My most beloved pair is for Halloween, patterned with pirate cats on pirate cat ships saying things like “Y’arr! Hand over your tuna!” and flying fish bone Jolly Rogers. They’re adorable. And exceedingly embarrassing. Professor McGregor doesn’t get the pleasure of seeing these for at least six months. For now, it’s black nightgowns or yoga pants.
- Pack an Extra Toothbrush – One should be ever vigilant against morning breath. Honestly, I feel like this is just a good rule for life, but it applies doubly in this situation. I cannot say this enough: make sure you bring a toothbrush. I’m a big fan of packing one in my toiletry bag, then – just in case a horrible perfume tragedy befalls that one – slipping an unopened one in my purse. Every human has less-than-awesome breath in the morning, as it’s a side effect of being host to trillions of bacteria, but that’s not a conversation for this early in a relationship. Just pack an extra, so you can happily kiss him good morning.
- Bring Your Own Sugar, Sugar – Fun fact: other people’s kitchens may not be as well-stocked as yours. Some people, say attractive professors who seem totally normal in every other way, may not have any sugar whatsoever, not even brown sugar left over from an ill-fated baking episode. So, when you say yes to coffee in the morning, you’re stuck grimacing every time you sip, because OH MY GOD IT IS SO BITTER, HOW CAN YOU DRINK THIS? If you’re dependent on sugar in your morning brew, like a normal person who does not have a tongue made of steel, pack some of your own. Because you never know. (Seriously. No sugar at all. How is that possible?)
- Leave a Little Early For Work – Not only may there be extra traffic on his side of town/the state, but you may experience romantic flashbacks during your commute. If the night went especially well and his goodbye kiss had you a bit weak in the knees, you may find yourself daydreaming. This is fine, but it could cause you to make a wrong turn on the way out of his neighborhood and accidentally add a half-hour to your drive, as you yell at your iPhone for not knowing where you are either. Not that I know from experience, mind you. Though, seriously, Google Maps can you perhaps update your information on Waco, TX? There are dead ends you do not know of.
With these rules in place, the sleepovers are starting not to stress me out too much. Though, not going to lie, I’m excited that this weekend there are plans for fun in my town. The pirate cats may yet sail again.