Dumb Things I Say on Dates

I’m smart.

This isn’t conceit, it’s just something y’all need to know upfront. After you read this post, you’re going to have some doubts. She says she’s smart, but did you read that thing about hurricanes? Surely, she’s had some traumatic brain injury. A tragic backstory must account for such idiocy!

Unfortunately, I have no such excuse for what follows. I am a girl who is completing her fourth degree this year, always wins at Scrabble, and regularly reads The Economist. I can sew a dress without reading the instructions and know all the South American capitals. I also say the stupidest shit ever on dates.

Poor Professor McGregor has now suffered through three such dates with me. Either he is completely charmed by ditzy girls or my kisses have some sort of memory erasing power. I don’t know if it’s his own intellect that makes my brain go blank or just a bad case of nerves, but here’s a sampling of Recent Dumb Things I’ve Said on Dates:

  • “You look very Boondock Saints in sunglasses.” Excellent, Grace. Tell him he looks like two slightly crazed renegade murderers, whom you can’t even recall wearing sunglasses, so what the hell? His silence is obviously just stunned pride about how hot he looks. No, you shouldn’t have just told him he looked good. That would be too normal.
  • “But Tampa doesn’t even get hit by hurricanes!” Y’all, I said this not two weeks ago and – as I type – Hurricane Isaac is unleashing a deluge on poor Tampa. I’m a weather dork, so I’ve seen every hurricane documentary ever played on The Weather Channel. I’m well aware that hurricanes can curve back into Florida. What’s worse, I was actually born in Fort Lauderdale! And yet…this came out of my mouth.
  • “I write an anonymous dating blog with Kate and Mae!” – This one was especially bright, Grace. Inform the attractive man you just finished making out with that he could end up in a blog post. To make it even better, why don’t you forget to reassure him that you only write about your own personal crazy and you’ve given all victims guys nicknames? He’s totally going to ask you out again. Guys love being gossiped about on les interwebs!
  • “I don’t see any John Hughes movies,” said while literally staring at a shelf brimming with them. This one I’m going to blame on my poor eyesight, but still. I know every movie Hughes ever wrote and directed. I have watched so many making-of Ferris Beuller shows, it’s sick. But stare at a shelf with them for five minutes? I won’t pick a single one out, apparently.
  • “You should have a medal made of eggs.” Don’t even ask.

Add to that all the discussions of philosophy that I can in no way contribute to and this is going really well, kittens. Why do gruesome disease outbreaks or weird parasites never come up over dinner? I could talk for hours about the various plague epidemics in Europe. Just thinking about the Candiru, a carnivorous fish which lives in the Amazon and lodges itself in unsuspecting swimmers’ urethrae, gets me chatty. Perhaps we can debate the value of the Oxford comma? Someone throw me a (somewhat twisted and nerdy) bone here. Without one, I’m probably going to pull a Cher Horowitz and start referencing the Hait-i-ans.

– Grace

23 thoughts on “Dumb Things I Say on Dates

  1. To be fair, the “two slightly crazed renegade murderers” were hot. And they totally wore sunglasses in the film.

    As for a bone: nothing like a political race to discuss the decline of true Rhetoric in today’s society? The new orality, use of tropes/schemes in recent political debates (or lack thereof), how prepared is the United States in the event of a massive zombie virus outbreak? All of these seem viable to me.

    • It is somewhat embarrassing how vindicated I feel, after reading your comment. I have not been able to watch Boondock Saints and verify my allusion yet. Obviously, he should have taken it as a compliment.

      Also, those are excellent ideas for intelligent conversation. I am all too aware of the horrors of both modern politics and our general preparedness for a Zombie outbreak. Thanks for the bone!

  2. Haha oh no! I’m sure he probably thinks he said stupid things aswell. It is worse when you are completley unaware that you sound like an idiot! 🙂

    • Oh, how I wish I were unaware! Blissful ignorance sounds positively wonderful right now. Also, this man seems incapable of saying stupid things. That’s no doubt part of the problem – my brain is just trying to provide a little balance. 😉

    • Ha! Thanks, Valerie. To be fair, he probably laughed at that one. I’m just not sure it wasn’t a “Oh, God, what have I gotten myself into?” sort of horrified laugh.

    • I don’t even…what the…I can’t decide whether to be horrified by our educational system or glad that they finally asked someone. I just imagine the person meeting people from Australia and thinking, “Wow, they’ve probably never seen the moon! I bet they’re stoked to be up here. Who needs koala bears, when we have orbiting sky rocks?” Oye ve.

      Also, yeah, that makes me feel a lot better. There is a bottom I have not hit yet! I shall remind myself of this during the next date. Thanks, Drew!

    • Ha! Right, Jami? The more I think about it, the more I’m just horrified he wasn’t bowled over by the compliment. I’m not sure there was a higher one I could give right then.

      • I think so. But I also know how sometimes I tell people something and it doesn’t quite come out right. I told someone the other day, “Be happy.” He said, “I’m working on it.” I felt bad, quickly explaining I meant it has a blessing not a command.

        Sometimes communication is not the easiest, not even for smart people. 🙂

    • Allie, we might be twins separated at birth! I swear, half the things I say to him are then followed up with “Well, that awkward” or its cousin “Sorry, that was random.” The things I say are normally a mix of those two, so I like to think of it as a belated warning. We’re just being conscientious!

  3. Maybe he didn’t reply because he was thinking : “I’m so stupid, I don’t even know who these Boondock guys are !! She’ll think I’m such an idiot if I admit that, but how should I react ? Laugh ? Smile ? (she’s got such a lovely smile, by the way) Act offended ? Was it a joke ? Was it a compliment ? Should I just stare into her eyes ? (ohhh, yowza, that’s dangerous).”

    “OK, now it’s waaay too late to say anything. I’ll pretend I didn’t hear, and hope she doesn’t notice. Will she still want to kiss me ? (ohh, her kisses are soooo sweet). Oh, wait, she said something again, what was that ? Something about eggs and a medal ? Whaaat ? Damn it, I’ve got to listen to her without getting so distracted !! ”

    Trust me, he may not say anything stupid, but his thinking must be at least as impaired as yours – men are like that !

  4. I’m obviously slightly behind in reading this post, but I, too, make ridiculously stupid comments on dates. Some of my all time favorites include: “So where are the speakers?” While sitting at Winchester CATHEDRAL with the bells going off… Yeah. That’s a good one. Or, better “You know, sometimes I wish my fingers were toes and my toes were fingers… But then my hands would be feet and my feet would be hands. AND THEN WHERE WOULD WE BE”. I don’t even remember how this came up in conversation, or what it was about. The weird thing was, I ended up almost marrying that guy.

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