This isn’t conceit, it’s just something y’all need to know upfront. After you read this post, you’re going to have some doubts. She says she’s smart, but did you read that thing about hurricanes? Surely, she’s had some traumatic brain injury. A tragic backstory must account for such idiocy!
Unfortunately, I have no such excuse for what follows. I am a girl who is completing her fourth degree this year, always wins at Scrabble, and regularly reads The Economist. I can sew a dress without reading the instructions and know all the South American capitals. I also say the stupidest shit ever on dates.
Poor Professor McGregor has now suffered through three such dates with me. Either he is completely charmed by ditzy girls or my kisses have some sort of memory erasing power. I don’t know if it’s his own intellect that makes my brain go blank or just a bad case of nerves, but here’s a sampling of Recent Dumb Things I’ve Said on Dates:
- “You look very Boondock Saints in sunglasses.” Excellent, Grace. Tell him he looks like two slightly crazed renegade murderers, whom you can’t even recall wearing sunglasses, so what the hell? His silence is obviously just stunned pride about how hot he looks. No, you shouldn’t have just told him he looked good. That would be too normal.
- “But Tampa doesn’t even get hit by hurricanes!” Y’all, I said this not two weeks ago and – as I type – Hurricane Isaac is unleashing a deluge on poor Tampa. I’m a weather dork, so I’ve seen every hurricane documentary ever played on The Weather Channel. I’m well aware that hurricanes can curve back into Florida. What’s worse, I was actually born in Fort Lauderdale! And yet…this came out of my mouth.
- “I write an anonymous dating blog with Kate and Mae!” – This one was especially bright, Grace. Inform the attractive man you just finished making out with that he could end up in a blog post. To make it even better, why don’t you forget to reassure him that you only write about your own personal crazy and you’ve given all
victimsguys nicknames? He’s totally going to ask you out again. Guys love being gossiped about on les interwebs!
- “I don’t see any John Hughes movies,” said while literally staring at a shelf brimming with them. This one I’m going to blame on my poor eyesight, but still. I know every movie Hughes ever wrote and directed. I have watched so many making-of Ferris Beuller shows, it’s sick. But stare at a shelf with them for five minutes? I won’t pick a single one out, apparently.
- “You should have a medal made of eggs.” Don’t even ask.
Add to that all the discussions of philosophy that I can in no way contribute to and this is going really well, kittens. Why do gruesome disease outbreaks or weird parasites never come up over dinner? I could talk for hours about the various plague epidemics in Europe. Just thinking about the Candiru, a carnivorous fish which lives in the Amazon and lodges itself in unsuspecting swimmers’ urethrae, gets me chatty. Perhaps we can debate the value of the Oxford comma? Someone throw me a (somewhat twisted and nerdy) bone here. Without one, I’m probably going to pull a Cher Horowitz and start referencing the Hait-i-ans.