If You Want Love, All You Need Is Voodoo!

Vintage Dating Advice

Ladies. Men just want to dance. Let the men dance.

Straight up y’all, I love getting spam comments. They tickle me pink. I absolutely adore reading through all our Spinster spam and just laughing and laughing for hours….and also there is wine involved. But last week, we got a spam comment to rule them all! The first line was “How to get a man without looking desperate.” Obviously, they had me from hello.

Apparently there are several things we woman do to scare the men away. Ladies, I’m going to repeat that again. You. Are. Scaring. The. Men. Away. How? By being too fabulous. Your fabulosity (I put the full blame on Sex and the City for me using that word) is like looking straight into the sun- it blinds men and sends them running for their very dark man caves. So, what should you do? Well, according to this I-swear-I’m-not-making-this-up spam comment there are 7 things every woman looking for her soulmate should do.

1. Make a plan. Apparently, you can force life to stick to an action plan. If I were y’all, I would go ahead and make a plan to bump into your soulmate at Trader Joe’s tomorrow morning. Otherwise, it will never happen. It’s all about planning.

2. Do NOT have sex with them until you are married. If you sleep with him, he will think you’re a Slutty McSlutterson and will only continue seeing you to get at your ladyparts. Then, when he has used your ladyparts up, he will leave you and marry a virgin. Those are the breaks kid.

3. Dress better. If you aren’t wearing a ball-gown, then you are a slob and no one will ever want you. Business casual? Might as well call it single-for-life casual.

4. You must never get angry. Ever. If you get mad at anything ever then you are failing as a woman. The second you stop smiling is the second you lose out on love for all eternity.

5. Do NOT be smarter than the man. In fact, don’t even be only slightly less smart than the man, you must always be the dumb one. Didn’t you know that men hate intelligent women? Ā  You are there to look pretty and be petted, like a shih tzu. If you say something intelligent or witty or even moderately bright then the man will lose his ability to get a boner for you forever.

6. Be skinny. If you aren’t in supermodel shape then don’t even bother trying. Your best friend should be your gym membership.

7. Try voodoo.

Seriously. The last and most important thing a woman can do to get a man is voodoo. But, when you compare it to all the other bullshit in this spam comment, voodoo seems by far the most legitimate advice. Make of that what you will.

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22 thoughts on “If You Want Love, All You Need Is Voodoo!

  1. Brilliant, I never get spam like this! Thanks for sharing – I’m going start writing my man-catching-plan immediately. Although I’ll be careful not to show him incase he finds my spreadsheet use excessively intelligent…

  2. Wow, I’m so glad we live close to New Orleans. Obviously, a manhunt/voodoo trip is called for soon, so I don’t end up sad and lonely, because of all my jeans and intelligence. Thanks, spam!

  3. Wow…this was awesome! “Business casual? Might as well call it single-for-life casual.” Guess those sweat pants will be my downfall one of these days šŸ™‚

    Great post!

  4. So not only do you have to “get” the man, but then you have a lifetime of never getting angry (that should be easy enough, right, women and their hormones?), feigning stupidity and starving to death.
    I wonder if MEN ever think about putting in that much effort to keep US šŸ™‚ we should make it a spam message and send it out šŸ˜‰

  5. Let’s see: I didn’t have a plan, I had sex with him the first night, I hardly ever dress even casual (when we met I was a dive instructor and mostly wore wet suits), I do get angry (and not quietly so), I’m afraid with 3 degrees under my belt I might be at least as smart as he is (in his words I am the smart one in the family), I have always scraped along the upper limit of a ‘normal’ BMI and I have certainly never ever tried voodoo, especially not out of desperation.

    So what am I doing with the fabulous man who I ‘caught’ while doing the exact opposite of all these tips? Am I to dump him? And what will I tell the kids about why Mommy and Daddy broke up?

  6. I believe this is 97% accurate. It should read, “How to land an ‘insecure at best, abusive at worst’ man.” It’s really frightening how badly some want to have mates. Quite frankly, I put a lot of blame on other women who pressure those around them to be in relationships. Let’s love ourselves and each other more, regardless of relationship status.

  7. LOL I love this post! Honestly girl, you’re on the roll! I just started following you! haha I just recently broken up with an asshole and I can pretty much say that he’s quite intimidated with me (*boingks not-so-much-conceited) hahaha I can say that dating and love is soooo overrated! times like this, I’d like to think that maybe guys are just plain assholes and selfish. It’s like, over and over again you’d have to explain them the DATING RULES 101 and it’s crazy!!!

  8. Pingback: Love vs. Voodoo « iamkaicee

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