Baby showers: It’s a thing people who are about to have babies do that involves them being showered with gifts for their new baby. I find them odd.
If anyone should love a baby shower, it’s me. I adore children and tiny children clothes and toys. I was a nanny for many years and absolutely loved my job. I think kids are wonderful, even when they are puking, pooping, crying, and ruining nice carpet. Logically, one might assume that someone who adores all things baby such as I do would also love baby showers. However, they would be all kinds of wrong.
I totally get the premise for a baby shower. I mean, baby stuff is crazy expensive and if it’s your first child then you need lots of it, hell even if it’s not your first child I still think you deserve all kinds of schwag for shoving a human being out of your vagina. I’m all for giving expectant Mamas and Papas lots of gifts in preparation for their little bundle of sleeplessness. I just really hate pastel colors, ooh-ing, aah-ing, silly games, tiny food, and Mommy themed knickknacks.
Pastel Colors– Ok, I don’t really hate pastel colors. In fact, I can pull off a nice blushy pink quite nicely. What I hate it how overused they are at baby showers. It’s like a pastel jungle filled with really tame squealing animals. And honestly, don’t you think your baby would much prefer a more jewel-toned color scheme?
Ooh-ing– It’s just so expected. And then when you try to say something original like “boomshakalaka” people do NOT appreciate it.
Aah-ing– Somehow worse than ooh-ing but I’m not sure why. It kind of sounds like a sigh of satisfaction, which doesn’t make sense if you aren’t the one receiving the gift. Again, I would like to submit “boomshakalaka” as a nice alternative.
Silly games– Listen, I don’t care if she is pregnant, no woman wants a room full of other women to judge how big her waist size is with frilly ribbon. And does anyone enjoy tasting baby food and guessing what it is? I mean, I kind of do just because I’m really really good at it, but I still think it’s kind of ridiculous.
Tiny Food– Tiny sandwiches, tiny cakes, crudité, and dip? Are you kidding me? That baby may be small but I’m the one eating at this party and I have a grown-up appetite. Feed me.
Mommy Themed Knickknacks– I recently received a jar of honey at a baby shower that said “Mommy to bee”. I hate forced wordplay. Also, doesn’t honey cause botulism in babies?
You know what we’re going to do at my baby shower? We’re going to eat tacos and say “boomshakalaka” and maybe TP someone’s house. Now, that’s a baby shower!