Your Baby Shower Gift Causes Botulism.

Baby shower invitation

Baby showers: It’s a thing people who are about to have babies do that involves them being showered with gifts for their new baby. I find them odd.

If anyone should love a baby shower, it’s me. I adore children and tiny children clothes and toys. I was a nanny for many years and absolutely loved my job. I think kids are wonderful, even when they are puking, pooping, crying, and ruining nice carpet. Logically, one might assume that someone who adores all things baby such as I do would also love baby showers. However, they would be all kinds of wrong.

I totally get the premise for a baby shower. I mean, baby stuff is crazy expensive and if it’s your first child then you need lots of it, hell even if it’s not your first child I still think you deserve all kinds of schwag for shoving a human being out of your vagina. I’m all for giving expectant Mamas and Papas lots of gifts in preparation for their little bundle of sleeplessness.  I just really hate pastel colors, ooh-ing, aah-ing, silly games, tiny food, and Mommy themed knickknacks.

 Pastel Colors– Ok, I don’t really hate pastel colors. In fact, I can pull off a nice blushy pink quite nicely. What I hate it how overused they are at baby showers. It’s like a pastel jungle filled with really tame squealing animals. And honestly, don’t you think your baby would much prefer a more jewel-toned color scheme?

Ooh-ing– It’s just so expected. And then when you try to say something original like “boomshakalaka” people do NOT appreciate it.

Aah-ing– Somehow worse than ooh-ing but I’m not sure why. It kind of sounds like a sigh of satisfaction, which doesn’t make sense if you aren’t the one receiving the gift. Again, I would like to submit “boomshakalaka” as a nice alternative.

Silly games– Listen, I don’t care if she is pregnant, no woman wants a room full of other women to judge how big her waist size is with frilly ribbon.  And does anyone enjoy tasting baby food and guessing what it is? I mean, I kind of do just because I’m really really good at it, but I still think it’s kind of ridiculous.

Tiny Food– Tiny sandwiches, tiny cakes, crudité, and dip? Are you kidding me? That baby may be small but I’m the one eating at this party and I have a grown-up appetite. Feed me.

Mommy Themed Knickknacks– I recently received a jar of honey at a baby shower that said “Mommy to bee”. I hate forced wordplay. Also, doesn’t honey cause botulism in babies?

You know what we’re going to do at my baby shower? We’re going to eat tacos and say “boomshakalaka” and maybe TP someone’s house.  Now, that’s a baby shower!

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24 thoughts on “Your Baby Shower Gift Causes Botulism.

  1. At brunch on Sunday my table of childless adults (1 straight couple, 1 not straight couple) were watching a table full of ladies celebrating a baby shower. We all agreed that table was our nightmare. Opening gifts in front of everyone, faking excitment, oohing and aaahing, passing the cards and gifts around….blech!

    • Ick! I forgot to mention how completely awkward it is to force a smile the entire time and pretend you like gifts that are definitely going to be returned pronto.

  2. Love this. I had a baby less than a year ago, and though I definitely appreciated the gifts and preparations, the ooo-ing wasn’t my thing. All I wanted to do was get everyone drunk and party!

  3. Ohh, I know some people might disagree but it does have its advantages to be German. Because we don’t do baby showers. Or any showers for that matter, unless they happen to involve free-flowing H2O from a water-dispensing device in your bathroom.

    Sometimes I think Americans are just extremely savvy when it comes to inventing events no-one needs in order to sell useless stuff. Yes, I am also referring to bogus holidays like Valentine’s or Mother’s Day. But while these unfortunately are massively catching on lately in my home country, baby showers thankfully haven’t (yet).

    Because from what you describe (and what I see in movies) they sound just horrible.

  4. First, let me say, had someone given me a boomshakalaka at my baby shower, I totally would have appreciated it…and I believe a dance would have followed

    Second, I am so freaking glad no one measured my pregnant waist, made me try babyfood, or fed me small foods…apparently, I had a very boring baby shower..

  5. Having never experienced any sort of shower, baby or otherwise, your blog post fills me with a little bit of terror. I don’t think I ever want to go to one! Nor have one of my own. Well, unless it’s like yours and your added “boomshakalaka”. That sounds like fun.

  6. I can think of worse things…..watching bowling, water torture, bridal showers, being the only un-married girl at a bridal shower….

  7. I always feel like a heartless jellyfish when saying this, but children really don’t do it for me. I may have perhaps have done it by being in hospital for a long stretch of time and saw so many whining, screaming, kicking children with (non life threatening problems) and whilst I sat there with my own problem, I never saw the need to sprint around the ward manically dragging the IV or wail that I wanted to go home. I think I may have saw the worst of them. Then I taught piano to a little irish girl (what could go wrong, right? Irish accent. Hello.) And she was perhaps the most rude little darling I could have encountered. But anyhow. That’s enough for one day on kids. Baby showers are probably stereo-typed just as much as weddings; people never really step outside the box these days because their scared other people wont ‘get it’. (insert ‘boomshakalaka here.)

  8. I am a mother, and I loathe and despise baby showers. Knowing this, my friends and family hosted a lovely event with good (normal sized) food, great music, No Games, and some really sweet gifts, which was lovely. Hope the boomshakalaka comes to pass! -kate

  9. So in lieu of a baby shower, I went to this super-cool thing two of my friends did. They invited everyone they cared about over, and ordered a cake. They handed the baker a slip of paper with the sex of the baby on it (the DR wrote it down. they did not look). When everyone was gathered, they cut into the cake to find a blue interior.

    It was so emotional and awesome. Such a great way to share a moment with the people you love.

  10. At my wife’s baby shower for our eldest son, I was in charge of the music. Why we needed to have someone in charge of music, I’ll never know. During one of the ‘ooh-ahh-how sweet’ moments, 50 Cent’s ‘In Da Club’ mixed through. As she opened the next gift, the silence fell just as Fiddy broke in with a hearty ‘let mother-effer burn’.
    I was not in charge of music for son #2.

  11. Pingback: Nom, Nom, Nom. Cake! | A Rich, Full Life In Spite of It

  12. Baby showers and bridal showers are the epitome of awkward. How exciting can diapers and onesies be? Also, how many ooohs are necessary for a mixer? And who is the guilty one that brought the mixer? Such a great post!

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