Did I mention I’ve been dating someone for a couple of months? It hasn’t been anything super serious and I wouldn’t even go so far as to call us boyfriend and girlfriend, but it’s definitely been something. However.
You know that first spark? The one where they’re interesting and you have so much fun and you want to see them and blah, blah, blah? Well whatever flame had been burning has been slowly flickering out and I haven’t known what to make of it. This is always the case. Something isn’t quite right so it stresses me out, then I retreat unto myself, I don’t want to hang out with the other person, I don’t act in an affectionate way (tho, to be honest, PDA-friendly I am not), and I go into excuse mode. Well maybe it’s because I’m stressed at work… Or maybe it’s because I’m just bad at dating… Or maybe it really is us but it’s because we only go out to eat and don’t do other things so we don’t give ourselves the right opportunity… Or whatever.
It all amounts to this: I am the Cowardly Lion of break-ups.
Rather than owning up to the fact that I’m just not into him, I hide and I make my excuses and feel sorry for myself and ultimately end up sabotaging things to the point where we’re miserable almost 100% of the time. Cowardly Kate, right there. The cruddiest part of it? I date really fantastic guys. I know, don’t hate me. But I do. With the exception of one guy, my boyfriends have been really great people. They’ve treated me well, they’ve been thoughtful, and when I was suddenly pulling away, coming up with my excuses, they were there trying to be understanding about it. Cue massive guilt.
But I do think that’s part of it. I’ve never wanted to own up to what’s really going on because I dread that conversation and the potential to hurt someone who is so kind-hearted. When they’ve been so good to you, how do you tell them they’re just not right for you? Yah, yah, you just tell them. So you say. It was never easy and so I never did it.
Until yesterday. Call it maturity, but I finally realized how unfair it was to the guy and to me to go on in this state. The conversation weighed on me all weekend (longer than that, if I’m honest) and I finally brought up my concerns, fully expecting it to The Break-Up Moment. And yah know, a funny thing happened. Not only was it not as bad as I imagined, but he reacted in a way that I hadn’t anticipated. He said he really liked me and wished I’d given him feedback earlier so we could work on the issues which he viewed as easily fixable. Huh. I won’t go into the gory details. In fact, I don’t remember the gory details. (Really, who does? Do you? Because my own explanation of The State of Things became so convoluted that I could have talked about eating SpaghettiOs at the top of the Eiffel Tower, for all I know) Suffice it to say, we are “taking a break.” Yes, we cringed too. But it’s not a bad plan. We’re giving ourselves two weeks and then we’ll see.
Spinster friends, in a matter of hours “taking a break” changed my entire outlook. Unsurprisingly, the weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I look forward to our next outing. I know, don’t you just want to reach through the computer screen, shake me, and go, “SEE?!?!?! When you talk to someone about your feelings, good things can happen.”
Right. Yah. For all my ranting about dating and such, I know I’m not even close to being perfect on that front. My cowardly and non-confrontational way of addressing relationship issues is right there at the top of Things Kate Must Address if She Wants to Find Her Mr. Darcy. So I can’t give much advice on this, but if you’re waffling about your man or lady friend dilemma and whether to say something, make like Nike and JUST DO IT.