The other day, with the dreaded Facebook timeline looming on the horizon, I decided to be proactive and clean up my feed. I spent hours looking at my profile and past posts, deleting horrible things left and right. Remember, I’m of the generation that pretty much started Facebook back in college. I think we were one of the first universities who got to use it. Yep, for those of you who may not know, Facebook used to be exclusive. Anywho. Horrible things. Right. So the clean-up also made me realize how times have changed. Back in the day, we didn’t even know of the concept of a status update. Now, you can count on me to give you the mundane updates of my weekend activities. However, with all this change we never did get that dislike button. And more than a dislike button (because that would just feel mean) I’d like to have a block button.
If I had block button, I’d erase from my feed:
Anything relating to babies.
This includes baby showers, baby blog updates, bump pictures, professional maternity pictures, status updates about food cravings, nursery progress pictures, rants about nursing, complaints about lack of sleep, gender announcements, and ultrasound pictures. Some of us don’t like babies. We don’t want babies. We don’t want to have to talk about babies. We don’t want to hold your babies. Unfortunately, I’m of that age where it seems like this is the only thing other people care about and I’m subjected to updates on a daily basis. Just shoot me now. And for the love of God, why must people post pictures of the actual pregnancy test? I don’t need to see the stick you peed on. When you announce to Facebook that you’re pregnant? Yah, I’ll believe you.
I don’t really get this one. What is the reasoning behind peppering your feed with biblical messages? Are you trying to advertise that you went to church? That you’re a better Christian than your friends? I’m not sure about God, generally, but I don’t think she really gives a crap about your Facebook status. God would probably rather you be out doing some actual act of good rather than writing about it. When one lives in the bible belt it also means one gets bombarded with Christian messages just about every day. Just for once, I’d like to open my Facebook feed and read in secular peace.
Mushy sentiments about having the best boyfriend/husband/wife/girlfriend EVER!
There are 7 billion people on this planet. You can’t honestly believe the rest of us agree your husband is the best. I’ll bet he picks his nose when you’re not looking. Or maybe he’ll wash a red sock with your whites. Plus, when being the best has anything to do with cooking dinner that just tells me you have low standards.
Any vacation picture without a person in it.
Well, alright, if it’s a picture of something humorous I’ll cut you some slack. But let’s get real folks, the only reason I look at your vacation photos is so I can see if you wore a fanny pack or black socks with sandals. If I’m not digging my toes into the sand, I don’t need to see the picture of your view while you were doing it. You’re no Ansel Adams. If I want to do a bit of armchair travel I’ll pick up a good book or visit a blog wherein they know how to use something other than an iPhone to snap pictures.
Please feel free to add to the list of blocked subject matter. It’s very freeing to finally get this out because you know I couldn’t post this on Facebook…