Your Status Update Not Welcome

The other day, with the dreaded Facebook timeline looming on the horizon, I decided to be proactive and clean up my feed. I spent hours looking at my profile and past posts, deleting horrible things left and right.  Remember, I’m of the generation that pretty much started Facebook back in college.  I think we were one of the first universities who got to use it.  Yep, for those of you who may not know, Facebook used to be exclusive.  Anywho.  Horrible things.  Right.  So the clean-up also made me realize how times have changed.  Back in the day, we didn’t even know of the concept of a status update.  Now, you can count on me to give you the mundane updates of my weekend activities.  However, with all this change we never did get that dislike button.  And more than a dislike button (because that would just feel mean) I’d like to have a block button.

If I had block button, I’d erase from my feed:

Anything relating to babies.

This includes baby showers, baby blog updates, bump pictures, professional maternity pictures, status updates about food cravings, nursery progress pictures, rants about nursing, complaints about lack of sleep, gender announcements, and ultrasound pictures.  Some of us don’t like babies.  We don’t want babies.  We don’t want to have to talk about babies.  We don’t want to hold your babies.  Unfortunately, I’m of that age where it seems like this is the only thing other people care about and I’m subjected to updates on a daily basis.  Just shoot me now.  And for the love of God, why must people post pictures of the actual pregnancy test?  I don’t need to see the stick you peed on.  When you announce to Facebook that you’re pregnant? Yah, I’ll believe you.

Bible Verses

I don’t really get this one.  What is the reasoning behind peppering your feed with biblical messages?  Are you trying to advertise that you went to church? That you’re a better Christian than your friends?  I’m not sure about God, generally, but I don’t think she really gives a crap about your Facebook status.  God would probably rather you be out doing some actual act of good rather than writing about it.  When one lives in the bible belt it also means one gets bombarded with Christian messages just about every day.  Just for once, I’d like to open my Facebook feed and read in secular peace.

Mushy sentiments about having the best boyfriend/husband/wife/girlfriend EVER!

There are 7 billion people on this planet.  You can’t honestly believe the rest of us agree your husband is the best.  I’ll bet he picks his nose when you’re not looking.  Or maybe he’ll wash a red sock with your whites.  Plus, when being the best has anything to do with cooking dinner that just tells me you have low standards.

Any vacation picture without a person in it.

Well, alright, if it’s a picture of something humorous I’ll cut you some slack.  But let’s get real folks, the only reason I look at your vacation photos is so I can see if you wore a fanny pack or black socks with sandals.  If I’m not digging my toes into the sand, I don’t need to see the picture of your view while you were doing it.  You’re no Ansel Adams.  If I want to do a bit of armchair travel I’ll pick up a good book or visit a blog wherein they know how to use something other than an iPhone to snap pictures.

Please feel free to add to the list of blocked subject matter. It’s very freeing to finally get this out because you know I couldn’t post this on Facebook…

– Kate

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63 thoughts on “Your Status Update Not Welcome

  1. You forgot invites and updates about your farm/zoo/hotel/restaurant/medieval-army/mafia-gang/pet/what-fucking-ever. Oh and no one cares about that one ingredient that you need in that one game to gain that last level. Stop pestering me!

    PS: I can understand not wanting babies. I can understand not wanting to see their pictures everywhere and not wanting to hold them everytime you meet one. But why wouldn’t you like babies in general? Is there something that bothers you about them? Or maybe it’s that their parents always act so smug about having a baby like “Well, see, I just did my part in the advancement of the human species. What did you do today?” (This was definitely not the first thought that went through my head when I found out my SO was pregnant, mind you. “Surely,” I thought, “the human species doesn’t really need a another set of my genes running around wreaking havoc.”)

    • I swear there’s a way to get rid of those updates! I figured it out the other day and I think I heard angels singing. (For someone who isn’t religious, I sure do use a lot of religious phrases…) If I figure it out again, I’ll let you know.

      HA! You crack me up. Yah, I mean, I tend to exaggerate things. To say I don’t like babies, ever, is probably an overstatement of my sentiment. But babies just don’t do it for me. I don’t like to coo over them or see cute pictures. And outside of when they’re in the perfect, happy mood, I can’t say I’m a fan. This is not to say I don’t have my moments but after years of babysitting and working at a daycare I can do without them.

  2. Ha! I couldn’t agree more! Especially on the bible verses, that’s smthg I discovered in the US, no one would ever write about their religion in Europe…
    I would add to the list:
    -Food: who cares what you had for lunch and worse if there is a photo as well.
    – Cryptic worrying updates (“I’m in pain”, “I hate my life”…) just tell us what’s wrong or remain silent!
    – Anything like: “today is such a beautiful day!” or “I’m so grateful to be alive!”
    Ugh.

    • There seems to be an entire culture dedicated to food pictures! This has absolutely NO appeal to me! Right on. Also, the cryptic updates drive me nuts. I imagine it’s like the friend that says “I’m so fat!” just so you’ll say “No, you’re so thin!” These “I hate my life” people want you to say “But you’re so fabulous!”

  3. Haha! I deleted (or deactivated since you can’t really delete it) mine for those reasons amongst many others. What I found to be the most annoying recently is women whining about wedding stress. Here’s a thought: if your wedding is that damn stressful and expensive, tone it down!

  4. Gawd. A girl after my own heart. Facebook is not a direct line to Jesus.

    Thank you for verbalizing my every sentiment about these very things. I f’ing love this blog, and you three. Keep ’em coming.

    -Jenn

  5. The main ones which aren’t welcome for me are the “love you so much darling” types and then said darling just replies back. Why don’t you just bloody call each other or text each other! I call it the PPDA – pointless public displays of affection.

  6. Totally agree on the baby one especially. I used to have a friend who’d do constant updates on her toilet training progress with her kid. It was really gross. One thing that always kills me — not in an annoyed way, but in an uncomprehending way — is the picture of the mom in the hospital with baby just after she’s given birth. I’m probably really vain in this, but I’m actually really picky about the photos of myself that get out there – I want them to be flattering. These pictures though, are of women who have just been through a major physical trauma. They are not looking their best. Why would they want to put that one out there? I don’t get it.

    • I can’t tell you how carefully I screen the photos of me that get posted so the idea of the post-labor picture would never EVER make it to my profile. I also tend to think it’s a pretty intimate moment that I wouldn’t care to share with my 800 “friends.” So, yah, I can’t pretend I understand why others would want to post. Sure, there’s the argument that they’re just very happy and proud, but yah… still never going to be my thing!

      Also, potty training?! Horrible. I haven’t seen those updates just yet and now I’m dreading it!!

  7. Ha, #3 is probably in about 95% of all cases the result of a frape. If not, it’ll have the same effect on me like sticking my finger into my throat…

    As a heathen I couldn’t agree more with #2 either.

    What I would like to add – and I guess that’s where your deletion orgy comes in – are endless party pictures of random strangers someone posed with while under the influence. Seriously, if you need to get hammered on a regular basis to make your weekend seem enjoyable, by all means. But please, don’t harrass me with photos of your tongue poked out at the photographer (including your outstretched arm) or into someone else’s ear!

    • Heathens unite!

      And so, so true. I’m ashamed to admit I used to have the crazy party orgy pictures. Why, oh WHY did I feel I needed to kiss everyone on the cheek? I was of the Happily Hammered crew. Thank gawd I purged those pictures years ago.

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  9. 1. Half naked pictures of one person in front of the mirror either sucking in their tummy (girls) or flexing everything they have (guys). I don’t need or want to see what’s under your shirt. Group pictures at the beach are ok.
    2. Endless cam-whoring. Actually. And then 46 comments about how cute they are. Ew.
    3. Putting up videos and not realizing you can’t actually sing. It’s terrible.
    4. Don’t need to know how much you love each other, how much you mean to each other, when every bloody monthly anniversary is. Overdoing it, much?
    5. Posting about how miserable your life is. I do feel bad if you need help, but who goes publicizing it every couple of hours? If you feel lonely, go call your friends out instead of whining on the Facebook feed and getting sympathy posts in return. Seems a little attention-starved…

    I probably have more I can’t think of off the top of my head. But really. Some people just don’t get it.

  10. In complete agreement about babies and Bible verses. In retaliation, I’m thinking of peppering my posts with really awful verses, such as Psalm 137:9: “Happy shall they be who take your little ones and dash them against the rocks.”

  11. One more – people who promote their at-home businesses ceaselessly (like Scentsy). I don’t mind an occasional post here and there, but daily or even weekly is a bit too much. Those people get hidden so I don’t have to read their feeds.

    • The worst is when they actually have something interesting to say in between their business posts because then you don’t want to completely hide their feed… Oh what the hell. You’re right. I can think of an Arbonne consultant whose feed needs to be blocked right now.

    • This is a good argument for having a FB page specifically for your business, that way, I can read personal stuff and if I WANT an update on your business, I can go to your business page.

  12. Kate, you left off a very important subset of our friends, in particular. Let’s add: Countdowns to book release dates. If I see one more status update that reads like “42.7 days until My Book With A Catchy Title releases! Mark your calendars!” my head might explode. We all know when your book comes out. You’ve only posted three updates about it everyday for the past four months. It kills me. We should definitely post about our release dates, but only at four socially acceptable milestones: when your publisher sets the release date, a month before that date, a week before, and the day of. That’s it. More than that is blatant, hyper-annoying self-promotion.

    /writerrant

    • Seriously, I don’t know how I forgot this one. Amen and amen again! This needs to be passed far and wide through all the writerly tweets, blogs, and fan pages. One giant UGH.

  13. Absolutely agree & the wedding stress ones & “I ran 25 miles and spent 3 hours in the gym- i’m crazy!” are the worst.

    Actually now wondering, as I think just about everything has been covered, what I do want to see on Facebook & why I’m still on there!!

  14. Song lyrics. I don’t need to know that your soul really relates to “What Hurts the Most.” I just saw that you broke up with your bf on your mini-feed. The hurt is implied and now you’re just a little whore trying to suck up attention.

    • Yes, weren’t the posts about song lyrics supposed to have died out along with MySpace? Perhaps we should start replying to all breakup lyrics with “Cry Me a River.”

  15. The “Hide” function is your friend. I’ve hidden a lot of friends on Facebook who’d post incessant mommy updates, drama suitable for Maury, and strongly Republican posts. I don’t have the time or patience to read that kind of stuff.

  16. I’m not so fussed about Mommy updates what gets me is the people who use pics of their kids as their profile pic!! It’s there so that people recognize YOU! Not your kids, or your dog or your latest crafting creation. I don’t add people unless I know them and I’m terrible with names so why would I add someone who’s profile pic is of a random 2 year old who is grinning maniacally at the camera? I don’t care if all your other pics are of your kids or whatever but your profile pic should be of you, after all it is YOUR Facebook.

    • This is definitely something that bugs me too! To me, it seems like people lose their identity. Cool Callie becomes Callie’s Kiddos. Where did Callie go? I liked her!

  17. What about pictures that are blurry and out of focus. I have a friend whose every pic is blurry, while I may not care about the pic in general, I want to see it even less, if it is blurry.

    Though I may annoy people because I link mine to my twitter, and do use it for my business, so my google search is more about what I want it to be, rather than a poor review or other similar thing.
    I definitely agree with the Bible versus, song lyrics and would like to add every mundane aspect of your day. I really don’t need to know about your bathroom activity at 10 AM. I have learned to block those that I might see on a daily basis so that I don’t have to have that awkward, “Why aren’t we friends on facebook?”

    • The blurry picture is so annoying. It only takes 5 more seconds to get one in focus. Let’s not be lazy, people.

      Also, it seems like you give thought to what you post on FB & Twitter, so you’re forgiven. You don’t seem the type to bombard us poor, unsuspecting Facebook feed lurkers. 🙂

  18. Invitations to share your personal contact database in return for the opportunity to meet a hot Latina or anything else that resmbles a Jedi mind trick I find irksome. Really! Is A.O.L. still out there? Great post.

    • What kind of friends do you have?!

      Just kidding. 🙂 You know we love ya!

      I tend to get the friend requests from the profiles of people who have only 7 friends, look like a hot girl, and have male listed as their gender. Nice try. Also… is AOL still out there???

    • I reserve those kinds of complaints for my telephone conversations with Grace. I’m pretty sure she’s at the ready to wring my neck most times. But I cannot imagine subjecting my Facebook feed to that kind of thing! Perhaps the go-to comment should be, “Good luck with your ailment! I hope it’s not the plague but given how much you complain, maybe we should be on alert?” 😉

  19. Recently I’ve been on an unsubscribing rampage that has resulted in much less of all of the above. It’s awesome. Turns out all those times I thought I could be doing something better with my life than learning about the kid of some girl I knew from high school I was completely right.

  20. After reading your blog, I realized that I am guilty of the Bibile verse thing. I only post them because my other friends have blown up my newsfeed with their nonstop “Holier than thou” act so I feel the need to come back just as hard with a very lengthy verse. LOL Now, I really really can’t stand the post about men saying that there are no good women and vice-versa. I do not care that you cannot find a man/woman on FB. I actually enjoy being single. I hate the post talking about “I have the BEST mother ever!” Uhm, some of us don’t have good relationships with our parents why continuously rub it in our faces. Also, I’m not a fan of those who invite me to their lame parties and try to get me to listen to their music or they want me to vote for them in some ridiculous contest that I bet they aren’t going to win. You are wasting my valuable newsfeed space. P.S. I hate thos who complain about all of their homework and/or papers they have to write. Why are you on facebook? Go do your homework, geesh!

  21. Completely with you! My pet hate is the stupid pictures of their kids doing absolutely normal things, like brushing their teeth, or singing along to a song, or something and the parents going on and on about what a genius the child is… I’m sure I’m a massive grinch, but I’ve started blocking these people’s updates! Love this blog 🙂

    • Can one designate the audience for certain albums/pics? I believe so. And if that’s true, then they need to start limiting that crap to their family. Harsh, I know, but I’m in agreement. The finger painting they’re making is of no interest to me. Grinches together! 🙂

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  24. all very true – people put far too much of their dull personal stuff out there. As a blogger, I know that sounds a bit hypocritical, but anyone who comes to my blog does so out of choice, so they deserve all they get, bless ’em – I don’t force anyone who happens to know me on Facebook to look at details of what I had for my tea.

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