Something Wicked This Way Pins

Readers, I have been betrayed. What started out as a grand passion has turned sour. It pains me to tell you, but Pinterest and I are on the outs.

Our affair started slow. Initially, it seemed an innocent enough idea – one website where I could store my inspiration, without cluttering up my hard drive. How could that go wrong? I pinned the odd dress here or that great pair of shoes there, but it wasn’t an addiction. I’d log on every night, admire the pretty clothes and the clever projects, but leave as quickly as I came. However, things soon heated up. Before I knew it, I had been seduced.

My boards grew, becoming little villages of personal interest. One filled up with places I wanted to go, pictures of Amazonian pink dolphins and Egyptian Dahabeyas,  while another caught all the clever Downton Abbey memes I ran across. Our love seemed so pure! Pinterest was a virtual land where anything was possible. I could find that Jason Wu for Target dress. I could eat that five-minute coffee cake. Surely, something that brought me closer to other fans of mildly incestuous British period dramas couldn’t be bad! Oh, poor naive Grace. How easily you were fooled.

You see, readers, Pinterest is not all Matthew Crawley paper dolls and Luisa Beccaria dresses. There is a dark underpinning. Many pins are projects you can do yourself. Cue gasps of horror. Every sane person knows DIY projects, whether upholstered headboards or retro makeup tutorials, are best left to the shiny, perfect bloggers and hosts of TLC shows. Us normal people cannot actually make cupcakes that look like Darth Vader. When we want a tufted ottoman, we go to Pottery Barn, not our “craft room.” This is where Pinterest ruins you. When you see enough clever projects, you start to believe they’re doable. Your friend from 10th grade choir camp wouldn’t pin that doily covered vase, if it wasn’t simple! You just need guts, Grace, the pins screamed! Do it yourself.

And so I did.

First, there was the five-minute pumpkin pie. Nontraditional baking is beloved on Pinterest. There’s a whole sub-genre of cakes-in-cups that threatens to outpace actual cupcakes. The concept was bewitchingly simple – put filo dough in the bottom of a mug, stir together some downsized pie ingredients, and microwave. Pie! In a mug! In five minutes! Why had I not done this before? I hadn’t done it, because – surprise! –  it doesn’t work. Perhaps my microwave is possessed or my mugs aren’t made for baking, but what came out of that machine was not pie. Just because something smells like nutmeg, does not mean it’s edible. Lesson learned.

Not to be daunted, I tried something I was familiar with: nail polish. Another perennial favorite of pinners, fancy nail polish techniques are everywhere. I picked something easy, a tutorial on triangle nail polish patterns. Apparently, all I had to do was paint my nails, frame a triangle with tape, then paint again in a different color! Easy. I have been taping things for years. What the pinners didn’t mention, of course, was that tape removes nail polish. Especially fresh nail polish. I ended up soaking my nails in acetone, trying to rid them of their overly ambitious varnish. I was going for Mondrian, not Pollock, Pinterest!

In the way of all doomed lovers, I started to question myself. Perhaps this was my fault, not Pinterest’s. Obviously, I’m just not as accomplished as previously thought. Pumpkin puree and artful taping were reaching too high, Grace. You must work up to such astounding feats, grasshopper. So, I tried once more. This time, I picked something really easy – no fickle dashes of cinnamon or treacherous nail polish. For my third and final trick, I was going to do my hair. Even I couldn’t completely blow this one. I’ve been arranging my own hair every morning since puberty. I know my way around a curling iron and a blow dryer. Why, I even know when to use mousse and when to use hairspray! Piece of cake.

After much examining of hair tutorials, I chose a no-heat curl method. Normally, I have thick, stick-straight hair, which refuses to hold any shape other than that of a pencil. My grandmother insists this is a sign of our Cherokee roots, which is a bit hard to believe when my hair is also unrepentantly blonde. I’m blaming the Swedes on this one. Genetic blame-placing aside, the chance to counteract Mother Nature was too good to pass up. All I was to do was twirl my freshly washed locks around a soft headband, then sleep on it. Hooray! I am excellent at both showering and sleeping. So, readers, I did it. Last night, I showered, twirled my hair about for ten minutes, then slept on dreams of my newly curly coif. This morning, I unrolled the headband in anticipation. Would I have Blake Lively’s lovely waves? Or the tighter curls of Sarah Jessica Parker?

As it turns out, my hair was more Anne Hathaway in the Princess Diaries…pre-makeover. It was frizzy. It was dry. It was completely Scar-from-Lion-King insane. The loose, lovely curls of the tutorial blogger were nowhere to be found. Even frizz serum wouldn’t work! So, I hopped back in the shower to wash away the bird’s nest. Alas, the last of my Pinterest love went down the drain with the deep conditioning treatment.

Pinterest and I are through. I may pin dresses I want to knock off or exotic vacation destinations, but I will not be coerced into that world of glamorous mugcakes and magic coiffures! I will stick to my Joy of Baking and hot iron, thank you very much. I am destined never to be a shiny blogger, my brilliant advice spread far and wide over Pinterest. That’s okay. I’d rather be known for my wit (and quickly Photoshopped satirical book covers) than my hand-painted china cats anyway.

– Grace

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14 thoughts on “Something Wicked This Way Pins

  1. When it comes to creative things, I’m pretty bad if it doesn’t involve a mouse and keyboard. I tried to make a cross-stitch for my wife once… silly me bought the advanced kit, and after 3 months of sleepless nights (and bleeding fingers), I finally called it quits.

  2. I’ve been trying to get my head around Pinterest for a while now. I still don’t quite understand the purpose of it, beyond having yet another place to collate things! I do kinda get whacked in the face with oestrogen whenever I go there though. That puts me off just a little bit, though I’ve been told by fellow amateur photogs and creative people alike that I should be using it!

    Whenever I try and replicate anything I’ve seen on the interwebs it never goes down exactly right. Well, apart from that 30 minute focaccia recipie I found on lifehacker!

  3. Hysterical! At least you tried some of the things you’ve pinned. I’m not on Pinterest and I wonder what the point is. I imagine a bunch of people pinning lofty goals or annoyingly postive quotes and that’s all it is…just pins. At what point does pinning turn into doing? So at least you tried.

  4. While I’m still in love with Pinterest, I feel your pain. My board of things to make or do grows exponentially while my board of things I’ve tried is usually full of comments of how something didn’t work, especially hair tutorials. I find the internets, including Pinterest, is more of a springboard of ideas, and then I come up with my own execution. I’m usually happier going the route I figure will work for me than the overly excited one posted by a third cousin of my mother’s. At least I think she is the third cousin of my mother, her last name looks familiar.

  5. Well said! Have also discovered that Pinterest is yet another tool to pick up and let fall along the long road of guilt paved towards failure…like the day planner, diary, and Christmas shopping before December, it will sadly be forsaken for marathon viewings of said British period drama…L

  6. I’ve had luck with a few of the recipes I found on Pinterest, but that may also be because they’re probably equivalent to heating up hot dogs and making instant macaroni and cheese. Pinterest inspired me to make a sign for my boyfriend out of wood, screws, stain, and paint from Lowe’s. I purchased all the necessary items and then realized I can’t stencil or free-hand the words I want to paint on there to save my life. I’m still trying to figure out how the hell I’m going to make this work. Pinterest has the tendency to make us think we have super power crafting abilities.

  7. Hi Grace, I have the perfect solution for your straight hair. I have been using these babies for years! I have wavy hair but I love to have the body and uniform curl that curlers offer but without the heat. You can buy them at Sally’s and put them in when your hair is dry. Sleep in them (they’re like little pillows) and when you wake up and take them out, you will find that you look a little like Shirley Temple. Give it a little time and they’ll settle down. Then spray some hair spray and you’re good for the whole day!
    http://www.sallybeauty.com/hair-rollers/SBS-679000,default,pd.html?cgid=Hair14-01
    Hope this helps! I’m totally going to buy and try your fave face wash… I’ve been looking for something else lately. I also find that Burt’s Bee’s Clear Complexion Tomato Garden soap works if you ever want to do a switcheroo.

  8. aaaaaaaahahahaha! I know the feeling. I tried to make little bookmarks from scraps of fabric. They were a disaster. Just found this blog and am loving it.

  9. Pingback: Geeky Greetings Spacelings | Absurdly Nerdly

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