The Hater’s Guide to Super Bowl Parties

Reach for your smelling salts, readers. I’m about to lay down some shock and awe.

I hate the Super Bowl.

Crazy, right? The only way to get more un-American is to throw apple pies at bald eagles. To make matters worse, I’m a Texan. We grow up on touchdowns and tailgates. I can feel the tar being boiled and the chickens getting plucked, as I write this. So, let me explain.

It’s not that I hate football. Despite the truckload of feminist issues I have with the sport (We get our own league, but we have to play in lingerie? Are you fucking kidding me?), I’m a fan. I know a field goal from an extra point and have no need to ask my boyfriend what down it is. At one point in my life, I was even a cheerleader. Pro-football, however, makes me livid. All the guts and glory of college football too quickly devolves into flashy touchdown dances and salary negotiations at the professional level. We treat the players like gods come to Earth, when so many of our students can’t name one Supreme Court justice. The Super Bowl is the worst example of this. Just the thought of all that money going into advertising, merchandizing, and entertainment for this one game sets my stomach roiling.

With all that righteous indignation, why not just blow it off and go see a movie? I would, really. Only…as much as I hate pro-football, I love a good party. With friends yelling at the TV, food traditionally eaten without utensils, and gallons of alcohol, Super Bowl Sunday has all the makings of a solid American party holiday. When you add in vampires and stack the empty beer cans into trees, it’s almost like Christmas! If you’re throwing the party this year and pigskin makes you wretch, don’t fret. I’ve got you covered.

A Super Bowl Party Guide (for the haters, the unwilling hosts, and the soccer fans):

  1. Join Pinterest – If you don’t have a Pinterest account, you’re a masochist. Instead of angsting over party details, please let others do it for you. With a 30 second search, I learned how to turn strawberries, rice krispy treats, and deviled eggs into footballs. Sure, molding food into unnatural shapes is a bit creepy, but this is the kind of shit that makes other people squeal in delight. You have just become the Martha Stewart of your friend circle! Unfortunately, if they also have Pinterest accounts, then they’ve probably brought a true-to-scale stadium chip & dip tray. Damn one-uppers.
  2. McDonald’s Is Your Friend –  The big day arrives. Instead of spending the morning whittling a fondant replica of Tom Brady, you slept off the hangover from last night and read a book. All your big plans are shot. You can’t deep fry macaroni-and-cheese in less than an hour! Breathe. McDonald’s, that bastion of faux-food we love to hate, has you covered. On Super Bowl Sunday, they will sell you fifty – FIFTY – chicken nuggets for under ten dollars. Get those nuggets, readers. With enough fried poultry and beer, people will totally believe your story about throwing a “nostalgic” party. Bust out your ancient box of Twister and it’s middle school all over again.
  3. Tim Tebow Is Also Your Friend – Look, if you’re going to sit through this travesty of modern athletics, you should probably be drunkish. Enter Tim Tebow. No, the Broncos didn’t miraculously make it to the Super Bowl, but that won’t stop people from talking about him. Whenever an announcer utters his name, everyone must drink. If your gang wants to get really crazy? Take a shot every time Tom Brady flips his hair. I swear, that man is a Pantene commercial come to life.
  4. Run Low on Ice –When it gets unbearable, usually halfway through the third quarter, go get ice. This is every hostess’ favorite trick. When your head pounds after the thirtieth scantily clad beerbunny ad, just escape. I don’t care if everyone is drinking beer straight from bottles, people will always believe you’ve run out of ice. Take a breather, run to the grocery store (not the one right around the corner), and revel in the deserted, post-apocalyptic world of Super Bowl Sunday.
  5. Move to England – Perhaps a little extreme, but let’s be honest. The only way to truly escape this trumped-up gladiator match is to leave the country. Skip the Super Bowl party and throw yourself a flat-christening party instead. I promise, you won’t find any cheeseheads in London. You will, however, still find football fans. It may be a different ball, but the zeal is just as intense. The upside? The World Cup only happens every four years.

Be strong, fellow haters. After Sunday, we have seven whole months without professional football. In the meantime, I shall be working on my apple carving skills.

– Grace

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23 thoughts on “The Hater’s Guide to Super Bowl Parties

  1. Grace, I could hug you. The party is at my house this year. I roll my eyes and bite down on a rolling pin from the stupidity of this tradition. I’m not sure how to slip out of the house without one of the sweet wives coming along, which will make it hard to go to a movie instead of getting ice. But thanks for the hilarious, helpful tips.

    • Oh, Barb, I feel for you. We should start a tradition of throwing anti-Super Bowl parties. Everyone come to my house and watch a Project Runway marathon instead! I’d make ridiculous cupcakes for that in a heartbeat.

      • Hey Barb, the ‘sweet wife’ goes to get ice with you not to get ice. But to get out too! She sees her chance for escape and takes it! I bet if you discretely talk to the other wives you’ll find others who want to escape. So pull your ‘need ice’ card, take all the escaping ladies and you could totally have a girls day at the movie, or spa, or library or where ever you want! I swear the guys won’t even notice your gone! 🙂

  2. Actually, the soccer fans in England tend to riot a lot, so you won’t have a post-apocalyptic world of Super Bowl Sunday. Instead, you’ll get an apocalyptic world every time some hooligans’ team loses… which is pretty much every game.

    That said, I *am* going to look out for Tom Brady’s hair flipping during the big game! My wife calls him her “other husband”. Sigh…

    • Damn. Drew, as I was writing this, I was thinking: I bet someone is going to mention soccer hooligans. Really, why can’t there be one sport without crazed fans, so I can write a proper blog post? You’re right. Soccer hooligans are much worse than football fans in so many ways. When I’m in England, people are always reminding me when the matches get out, so I know not to be near the stadium. Perhaps cricket is better?

      Also, point out the hair flips to your wife! I guarantee she won’t like him as much, come flip number fifty-two.

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  4. Hallelujah Grace!!! I thought I was the only person who hated the Super Bowl. I have to admit, however, that I do hate football. All football. Living in Denver, Tebow is not my friend – I am as sick of the guy as I am of Kim Kardashian – and that’s pretty sick. A really good way to avoid having to go to any football parties is to do what I do; keep telling people that you don’t even know who is playing in the Super Bowl (which I don’t actually) and have no idea how the game is played (which I don’t, actually). Also, when I finally realize that it IS Super Bowl Sunday I revel in the lack of humanity; I go skiing! No one is there!! No one!! Yay!! Or the hottest exhibition that you can never get into at the museum! Yay! Hmmm, with all that in mind, I guess I DO like the Super Bowl…

    • Oh my heavens. I can’t even imagine how big the Tebow talk as been in Denver! I thought we were getting bombarded in the rest of the country, but y’all have got to be in the worst of it. Also, one of the best lessons my mother ever taught me was the glory of Super Bowl Sunday. It’s almost better than Christmas Eve, for sheer lack of people out and about. I swear, I can’t remember the last time my mother didn’t skip out on the game for a movie & bookstore instead. It’s the best!

  5. Hilarious. I used to go to Super Bowl parties when I went to church and they had Chili Potlucks. But now I avoid them like the plague (churches and Super Bowl parties). I’m also annoyed I have to capitalize Super Bowl like it deserves that. While I understand football terminology having played flag football in college, I dislike watching people play sports and I am annoyed that millions of dollars are handed over to people to play a freakin game and we can’t even keep our schools funded. Priorities people. I’m also a huge fan of Pinterest. I may have to go and visit that site to calm me down. Ah, pictures of places I’ll never go.

    • Jami, you read my mind. The entire time I was writing this, my temper sparked each time I capitalized the Super Bowl. I know it’s a proper noun and all, but the capitalization just seems to underscore how much importance we give it. Irrational, I know, but irritating nonetheless!

      Also, I have a whole travel board on Pinterest that makes me want to win the lottery so damn bad. I also, a bit embarrassingly, have a wedding board. Everything my friends pin is related to one or the other, so Pinterest has really become a bit sadistic.

  6. This is a delicate topic of discussion that you have introduced. I won’t disagree that this event is not for everyone and I commend your effort to help make it palatable for the hater. A happy hater is fan’s best friend.

    • I know, I know. It’s quite controversial. I’m surprised virtual tomatoes haven’t been thrown at our blog yet! My goal is for haters and fans to live in harmony for this one day…and perhaps for haters to get our revenge with really awesome Arbor Day parties or something. 😉

  7. Oh I love American football! Ok, not LOVE love it, but I love their little outfits and the hunky men running around in ’em…don’t see anything wrong with that, and the game is not too bad. I’m pretty sure I would rather enjoy being at a game too.
    Move to England? Hell-o! Have you seen the crazy about football (that’s soccer for you guys 😛 ) English fans, er, so.not.cool! And they don’t even get to wear nice little outfits with the helmets and all..it’s couple of rough looking guys and a game that’s hard to follow..trust me I’ve been at a stadium watching the game…quite boring.
    So I say embrace the American Football and the SuperBowl – it’s way better than say rugby or soccer 🙂 I would happily gulp down beers and eat McNuggets too! Oh, I need to visit America…

    • Oh, SheSays, we should just do an exchange! They let adults do those, not just high schoolers, right? I would take those gorgeous soccer thighs over our football helmets (that block possibly handsome faces!) any day. That and tea…good heavens, what I wouldn’t sacrifice for a cultural tradition like tea. 5-minute coffee breaks are just not the same.

  8. I was invited to a Superbowl party a few years ago by email. I’m not a huge sports fan (read: What’s a Sports anyway?) and generally poke fun at myself for being clueless about the topic. I was happy enough to be invited to a beer related party though so flipped off a Reply All response to indicate my enthusiasm. Unfortunately, I had the Superbowl and the Stanley Cup confused, so my response of “I’ll be there before the puck drops!” was met with much ridicule.

    How was I supposed to know it was Football? Its in February for christ’s sake, thats winter aka. Hockey.

  9. Hm, yeah, I suppose the fact that the soccer/football world cup is only every four years is a plus. And we don’t really do the kind of tailgating parties that I came to experience (note, I didn’t use the word ‘enjoy’) in Tennessee. I guess it’s this typically English understatement that prevents them from going overboard with their decorations and food intake. Booze, however, tends to flow in comparable amounts.
    I personally try to stay away from football (of either denomination), just as much as I steer clear of boxing, rugby or any other game where testosterone-fueled fighting machines bash their opponents’ teeth out. That’s not my definition of sport, sorry. In fact, I don’t like *watching* any kind of sport because, well, that’s not my definition of *sport*. I am odd, I know.

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