Kate the Man Nibbler

I have a confession, friends.  I haven’t logged on to that online dating site in over a month.  I know, it’s crazy (or cray-cray as my sister would say).  But here’s the thing.  I’m in over my head with this online dating thing.  I don’t know how to date multiple men at once.  I know, I know, you’re thinking, “Kate, you don’t have to date multiple men at one time.  Just pick one and see what develops.”  But gosh darn it, people, I paid good money for a three-month membership.  There is no way I will date only one person at a time and move on to the next only if the first fizzles.  I would make some argument about being responsible with my money but it comes across in an odd way.  You know what I mean.

Things were swell at the outset.  I went on a several dates with different guys and things mutually fizzled.  This was a happy thing!  I got back into the swing of dating but didn’t have to deal with the whole liking several men at once thing.  That was until mid-December when I went on two dates in one week (wild woman, right here!) and liked both the guys.  Enough to think of a second date.  Enough to think I might even want to go on three dates with each.

Intellectual Isaac is approximately the same age, hails from my home state, is a lover of reading and writing, and even owns a cat.  I swoon!  Intriguing Ivan, a reader of the audio variety, likes to keep up with his speech and debate skills, and even agrees with me that a woman shouldn’t have to take her husband’s last name (a topic of which I plan to address next week – stay tuned!).  I swoon again!

So here I am, texting two gentlemen, and feeling very uncomfortable with the situation.  It’s not because I don’t think you should date multiple people at once.  In fact, I think this is perfectly acceptable and is something more people should consider.  Half of my generation seems to throw themselves into the worst kind of relationships since it happens to be their only option at a particular time. I’m no stranger to this, even if it was 6 or 7 years ago.  My discomfort actually stems from the What If factor.

What if Intellectual Isaac should show up at the same bar as I’m at with Intriguing Ivan even though he lives 40 minutes away and doesn’t go to bars but decides he should check one out this night and then he sees us and then he’s all horrified that I’m on a date with Intriguing Ivan and he’ll call me the next day and tell me he never wants to see me again and he demands that I destroy any evidence of his short stories which he kindly sent to me to read?

(You were supposed to say that in one breath without pausing because, you know, that’s how I do it)

What if Intriguing Ivan decides to romance me with a romantic dinner and romantic candle light and I must sneak away to the restroom to remove an offending piece of spinach from betwixt my teeth and while I’m gone Intellectual Isaac texts me but I don’t realize that my phone has fallen out of my purse and Intriguing Ivan gallantly rescues it from it’s fate beneath my chair but in doing so sees that Intellectual Ivan would like us to have a movie night wherein we watch The Holiday and cuddle with our cats and then Intriguing Ivan demands I leave without even a nibble of the bread pudding he was preparing for me because he know I likes it so?

Or my simplest fear:

What if, after a number of good dates with each of the gentlemen, I can’t decide who it is that I like more than the other?

I haven’t dated enough to know this will all work itself out.  That maybe I won’t even have to decide but it will instead be one of them that has a fizzled feeling.  So I will live in fear that I will somehow screw this up, all the while feeling very ill-at-ease with myself on this particular topic.

If you have suggestions about how to own the dating (multiple people at one time) scene, I’m all ears.  Any bit of reassurance you can offer on this topic would be appreciated because lord knows I want to curl up in the fetal position every time I think of the possibilities.


Btw, fizzled is my new favorite word of the week.  Apologies for the over-use but I love it so!


23 thoughts on “Kate the Man Nibbler

  1. Two words. Full disclosure. If however you expect exclusivity from them, then by all means stay in covert operations mode. They too may seeing someone else at this point. Your disclosure may not affect their response to you but it will from you to yourself. You likely are lousy at lieing to yourself. Grin but “bare” all. You do like to challenge yourself though. I must say. Nicely laid out post.

  2. I’ve found myself in your situation a couple of times. But I might have had 3 guys on the go. Like you, I was trying to make the most out of a certain dating site and was determined to make my money spent worth it!

    I didn’t disclose anything to any of the guys. Mostly because I was only on the first/second date with them and I didn’t feel like any of them were important enough to warrant that kind of honesty. Maybe I’m just a thoroughly closed off girl. But first/second and even third date… I’ve never felt guilty when I was out with a guy and also going out on dates with another. As these guys are all from the dating site, I just presume they’re doing the same.

    I’m a cold, hearted bitch, aren’t I?

    • Jaina, I’d never called you a CHB! I presume the gents are also dating others, just like you said, so I don’t feel guilty either. It’s more like I don’t know how to handle the situation since I’ve never done it before! Completely uncomfortable but I feel better hearing about your experience.

      • I think I’m just ignoring the fact that I could get in that situation. My theory is ignore, and just maybe, it won’t ever come up.

        Delusions work! I’m deluding myself believing that.

        And thank you – I often wonder if I’m turning into a CHB!

  3. I liked reading this…it brought me back to my 3 months of paid online dating (which I hated honestly…not sure what site you use but I hated eharmony’s format…but I found my fiance so can’t complain too much I guess!) Anyway, best of luck witht he guy juggle…time will work out if either of these guys are the right one. Also, chances are they are doing the same thing dating multiple ladies. Dont fret, you sound like one that guys will find exciting and want to keep around 🙂

  4. I’d definitely say that they ought to know that you’re seeing both of them (not any ‘lets all meet together’ awkwardness, but knowledge is important.) it isn’t cheating if they know they aren’t the only one.

    • Can you imagine if I decided to invite them both to a cocktail hour? HA. And not cheating for moi – once something becomes a relationship I’m committed!

  5. I love you. This post is exactly what I needed to read. I am in exactly the same position–bad at dating two people, but liking two at the same time. I like one more than the other, but am not sure if he likes me as much. I was very honest with him about dating other guys, but let him know that I would be open to prioritizing him. Not sure if I played my cards well or not. Time will tell. But yeah, not sure that online dating is all that great once you get over the initial fun. I have been feeling more overwhelmed that excited.

    But thanks for being you.

    And I am sooooo looking forward to the discussion on last-name-taking. A favorite topic of mine.

    • I love you, too. (did we just get awkward there? 😉 )

      Ok, see, you like one more than the other! That’s a step beyond me! I think it sounds like you played your cards right. In fact, I wish that if faced with the same situation I would think to the let them know of the willingness to prioritize. I’m crossing my fingers for you on this one!

      And a big, giant TOTALLY AGREED to the online dating. It got overwhelming, and fast, and I haven’t been able to embrace the supposed fun of it.

      I expect to see you in next Friday’s last name discussion over here! 🙂

  6. Kate, my dear, your dilemma is adorable! At least this is a good conundrum, no? I have actually been through similar “what if” scenarios and I am pleased to tell you that I never ran into the “other man” at all while on a date. Also, there is nothing more catnip-like than a man seeing that he has competition for your fair hand. It makes all of their king-of-the-jungle silverback tendencies emerge, trust me. Also, also, when the time comes for you to choose, I guarentee you will have no problems deciding- you’ll just know. Soooo, my advice would be to go out and have fun and enjoy the attentions of these delightful men!

    • Ya know. Ya know….! I never thought about the catnip potential here! And I giggle to think about the silverback tendencies emerging. I have too vivid of an imagination, I swear.

      I know you’re right. It must come to me at some point, but right now it’s really hard to know that I’ll just know! ::sigh::

      Intellectual Isaac is taking me to some wineries tomorrow evening and maybe I’ll know more by the end of the night but I shall endeavor to enjoy the evening without (too much) over analysis.

  7. My two cents: Only tell them if you find that you want to go out with both of them more than 3 times. I agree with Jaina, anything earlier doesn’t warrant that kind of honesty. It’s not being deceiftul. But once you decide you are starting to like both of them and you all have invested a good bit of time, then you divulge the man juggling.

    • Good advice! Thank you for the input. I definitely don’t think there is deceit but the number of dates recommendation is interesting, especially as I’m likely to have date #3 with each of them this month. I quake in my Mary Janes!

      the Catch.
      the Man Nibbler.
      the Man Juggler.


  8. So I will live in fear that I will somehow screw this up, all the while feeling very ill-at-ease with myself on this particular topic.

    Awww. Kate, your writing somehow brings out the mom in me…appreciate the fear I guess would be my advise from this far away from those days. Fear can be good and takes us to good places. Hugs.

    • Thank you, Kate! (and what a lovely name that is!)

      After all the bellyaching my date with Intellectual Isaac made things crystal clear. Updates to come! But let’s just say my fear ended up being completely unnecessary. You would not believe how quickly I was able to come to a decision on that one!

  9. I’ve been there too and it’s true… only time will tell. I don’t know any other alternative. But i definitely wouldn’t be able to tell them both. I would be too scared. I kind of believe “what they don’t know won’t hurt them” lol :p

  10. Hi! I ‘ve been there 2 or 3 times, and in my case at least, time allways told me what to do, and when make a desition. (Well sometimes It didn’t last) so my comment is take your time and “enjoy the journey”


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